WAW - is it too late?

[RVM]

To update my sit on the few weeks since V-Day weekend.

They came back home from the long wknd on a day I was working. I also had my first guitar lesson that night, so I went straight from work to it. Got home after 8 pm, and was warmly greeted by my kids, all expressing how much they missed me.

W just gave me a casual, “Hi.” Never asked me how my wknd was, or even shared any pics from their wknd together. I didn’t ask either. The kids told me all about the wknd, they had a great time and I was very enthusiastically happy for them.

A few recent events:

My W had a biz trip last week, for a few days. She mentioned she’d be doing this over a month ago, but never gave me the dates or any details back then. So, she drops this news on me, a week before. It was really upsetting, and I did let her know it.

It was completely out of character for her to do this (based on pre-WWS character). And, it did seem really shady that she hadn’t shared any details. She said “oh, I thought I gave you all of this information.” It put me in an awkward position b/c I had to then plan to work from home b/c my office is too far away from my kids’ schools. She never apologized for it.

So, she goes on this trip, and does text a bit with me while she’s away for logistical updates on our kids – D7 had just come down with a bad cold, and missed a day of school The other D10 also caught the sickness later that week, and missed school as well. Never asked how I was doing with it all, etc.

W gets back from trip, again, we just casually say hello, no other real details shared.

The next night we were invited to a neighbor’s house for potluck dinner with a few other families. I reached out to a neighbor friend an hour beforehand and we decided to have a beer at his house beforehand. W was working on some dish in the kitchen, and I just told her I’m headed over to my friend’s house for a beer. Her reaction was one of a bit of shock, as it was clear that she expected we would be going over to the neighbor’s house together or something. Needless to say, we’d barely uttered a word to each other all day.

I just said, “okay, I’m headed over to his house now.” And, I left.

Hung out at friend’s house for a while, then went over to our friends’ place for dinner. She was sitting with others at a table, and I just walked in and socialized with some of the guys in the kitchen. We never really spoke. I also helped the guys with some last minute food prep.

When it was time to eat, people grabbed plates of food and found spots to sit. W was sitting again, with other friends at a table. I was one of the last to serve myself and as I was walking to sit down in another room with a friend, I heard her comment, “there’s a chair here next to me.” I didn’t acknowledge the comment as I was already around the corner, in another room, halfway sitting down already.

On the surface, it may have looked like I intentionally ignored her, but since I never really looked at her as I was walking by, I had no idea she had an open chair next to her. I had no intention of sitting next to her, but I would have just nicely said to her, “I’m gonna go sit out here with ___.” There was no followup discussion about that possibly perceived slighting.

So, we’re having fun separately at the party, we didn’t speak at all to each other, but it also wasn’t awkward for me. I don’t know about her opinion of that. She seems very self-conscious about how we present our public R to others. Yet, behind closed doors, we could not be more far apart these days.

I ended up staying late to hang out with my friends (which I had let her know I would be doing earlier that day.) My kids were a bit upset that I wasn’t going home with them. But, we had nice good night hugs. W never said goodbye when they left.

Since then, it’s been more of the same routine. Kids go to school, W and I go to work, and are mostly on a very basic “hi-bye” type of oral communication level, with random logistical types of text exchanges about the kids or things relevant to the house.

W sways from being smiley and nice to me, to making passive-aggressive comments/judgments, or acting really smug and dismissive – almost as if she’s flaunting her A with OM. I’ve mostly done a good job at not reacting to these tests. It’s tough, as that’s one of things I failed miserably at in the past.

I try not to get bogged down into wondering what’s she’s thinking/planning, etc. And, when I do start going down that path, I try to find some other activity to occupy myself. I’ll also just leave the room and go into the bathroom or something.

My GAL’ing has mostly been:
• lots of activities with my kids
• going to the gym after the kids go to bed
• guitar lessons once a week; otherwise, I’m practicing at home (I love it so far.)
• random home improvement types of projects
• meeting up with friends
• reading; going to the library
• window shopping, just to get the eff out of the house sometimes

I also had my first IC session yesterday. I basically just rehashed all of the events of the past year. It went well. I was completely comfortable talking and will be going for another visit next week. This forum has been a tremendous help in processing everything I’ve experienced.

One of the big questions the counselor asked me was, “what is my goal for our R and the counseling?”

I more or less replied, “well, despite how awful this past year has been, I still want to save my M. I don’t know if I can or even want to at this point. But, I will likely set a deadline for how long I can manage this, as it feels really unhealthy. More importantly, I’m here to work on myself – dealing with adversity and working on being the best person I can be – for me and my kids.”

Besides everything else, one thing I'm really struggling with on a daily basis is how my sex life has been completely shut down for months now. I don't know how long-time DB'ers manage this.