I’ve been busying GALing. I’m hitting the gym almost everyday. I’ve lost some weight after BD but I’d like to trim a bit more. The eating right part is the most difficult for me...I love to snack!!! I’m also trying not to spend too much time here, sometimes it brings me down a bit reading people’s sitches. It is not right that there are so many of us here.
H hasn’t come home in a few days. NC today. I worry about him. I hope he is alive. Then I think about if we do divorce, this is what it will be like...and I can’t be constantly worrying about him like this. I called him yesterday to check up on him (to see if he’s been going to work since he didn’t return to get his work clothes), he said he was sick so he didn’t go into work for two days. Then my minds started to wander off into thinking things like is his depression so severe that he can’t even go to work now? Am I prepared if there is no income from him? Is he going to commit suicide? Does he have the Coronavirus?....I try to not dwell in that space for more than 10 seconds.
I wrote out our finances yesterday. Biggest things would be 401K and the house. Last time H pondered openly about what we would do about his life insurance policy if we D. I don’t like dealing with the logistics. I wish D was simpler. I don’t even know how a foreign divorce would translate back to the US.
I’d like to think I’m doing well on detachment. I feel like I have been more present with the kids now that my mind is not always inundated with thoughts about the state of our M. I like this. Parenting on my own terms, no H yelling in the background messing with our zen.
Talked to a friend the other day who’s also separated from her H. She said that we are too capable and strong, and with that our husbands felt it was okay for them to bounce. Because we are there to pick up the pieces, we are there to take care of the children. If we were feeble, unintelligent women, our Hs would not leave because the risk of having no one reliable taking care of the kids was too great.
