Well the OW and A convo didn't go exactly the way I anticipated. He back pedaled again on the 'I'm moving out ASAP' thing. This 'there's nothing in this marriage for me' shtick is some kind of reactionary statement but I have no clue what the reaction is to yet. But that's neither here nor there I guess. He at first said he didn't feel like talking about it. Then out of no where asked if it would be ok if he took a trip by himself in early April. He'd like to clear his head. I told him I think that's a great idea, but there won't be any of this radio silence stuff. He'll have to check in with me and the girls so I know he's not dead. And then he wanted to talk about things.
So OW did go on a trip the week of Valentines. I had joked with my bff that she must be on vacation since he was home so much, so nice and engaged. I was right unfortunately. But things were changing before that. He hadn't thought about it really, until I said are you totally sure that her ending this was really that out of the blue. I didn't mention that I'm basing this entirely on how he was behaving around the house and with the kids. He sat and thought about it, and some things came to mind that she had said or done or didn't do or didn't say and he started to piece together that maybe she wasn't all in until the 11th hour as anticipated. She came back from this trip on the 15th and told him she'd be busy the next week with midterm projects and papers. (Just to be clear this is a soon to be 35 year old. With no kids, and was not supporting her parents and siblings financially, not in a majorly lucrative career where education wasn't need. She just apparently never got around to school until now.....) I did mention to him that that isn't when mid terms are. So then he really started putting things together. The night before H and slept together, the night he fell asleep in the bed with me when we were talking was the beginning of the end I guess. It's why he was home so early. And still very much put together. And he was texting me. He had brought up apartment hunting the next day as they had planned and she told him that she's not where he's at with this and that she wouldn't be going with him to do that. That she was still very much in love with her bf and she was seriously wondering if the whole thing was a huge mistake. He dropped her off started texting me and came home. The next morning he woke up to a super long text basically saying she loves her bf, she wants to be with him, this whole thing was a huge mistake, her being with him wasn't fair, because she never stopped loving her bf. She's sorry it went this far. But she's got to follow her heart, which was in no way with H. That was the night he decided to sleep with me. H was/is absolutely devastated. He said he had rested all his hopes on this future and I wanted to cry. Not because of what this did to me, but because I knew exactly how he felt. My AP didn't even choose his live in gf over me. He chose his ex over both me and his gf. It was so humiliating. I was also so angry with OW for the first time. So, so mad. My H is at fault here, I know this. But she blew up a family and a marriage to fill some needs and to make her bf jealous enough to come back. Who does that?? There are teenage girls watching this whole sh*tshow, and all of this was for her to get her bf to act right for a few months? My god.
We had a lengthy talk about how if it wasn't OW none of this would've ever happened. H and I were friends for a long time before we were together. Full disclosure, we started as FWB I had finally started dating again after leaving my D's father, and while the dates were nice, I wasn't really finding that physicaly chemistry with many if any of them at all. H and I kept running into each other out at night and one night I just went home with him and it was down hill from there. We were both dating around. Caught feelings and moved forward. I knew about 2 of the girls he was seeing. I didn't know the 3rd. He knew none of the guys I was seeing but knew they existed. Lovely lady number 3 who wasn't me was OW. I didn't know that until last night. He felt like all of this was fate. That this all happened because he had made the wrong choice 7 years ago picking me over her and this was the universe's way of making it all right. They planned a whole future together in a few short months, and at no point did he question the sanity or the fantasy factor of this plan. He is and was a hopeless romantic and affair fog or not he truly saw this star crossed lovers mess as the way his life was supposed to unfold. And in one fell swoop she pulled the rug out from him, he landed flat on his a** and there I was. Again, and as always.
He won't commit to the marriage yet. He wants to make sure he's making the right choice. Not just for him, or so he says, but because he doesn't want to put me through this all over again. He wants to make a clear headed decision. And I fully support that. I did let him know that I need a similar trip since I've been holding our lives down while he went chasing his soulmate and future. Yesterday was the first time I felt he was actually remorseful and gave a damn about what he's put me through. And our girls. He said I should plan my trip. He would hold it down and give me the time and space that I want and need the way I'm giving him his. I told him I am truly sorry he's hurting. That regardless of how I'm feeling about him and her, being ready to risk everything for someone to have them look back at you, wave good bye and act as if you can just back pedal the way they can is truly messed up. We then slept together again.I asked him to go sleep on the couch because I need some time to decompress after all of that. He complied with out question. I don't know what the hell I'm doing any more at this point. It's certainly not DBing. It's not really pursuing either. I don't understand how the acute pain you feel in crisis is so different and almost seems more manageable than this constant dull ache of WTF is my life right now feeling of being in limbo.
