Hi Belleva - thank you for stopping by my thread the other day.
You have received some great advice already. I have read your thread and agree with the others that you seem to be someone who has the potential to grow exponentially in strength and courage during this extremely difficult time in your life.
I am sorry you are going through this. But please know you are not alone.
Part of the reason everyone here talks about focusing on yourself is that the WAS is in a state of chaotic thinking right now. Nothing they say can be trusted, because it is based on a cycle of negative and emotional thinking that has no logical basis.
One minute they may say something that gives you hope - and the next say something that will crush your spirit. I had this happen dozens of times early on in my sit, before I found this website. I too read as many situations as I could here, and I determined that it was a real thing that so many other LBH experience.
Detachment here is crucial. It helps to return you to a state of calm - you steady the ship in the rocking seas by removing yourself from the equation. Let WAS deal with the chaos in his own mind - without you interfering. Let him figure it out for himself - and see that it is not you who has the issues. Of course, you cannot tell him this with words, you have to allow him to discover it for himself.
You do not have to do this with hate or anger. It is often called "loving detachment", because you are letting go of your spouse. You are freeing them to deal with whatever it is they are dealing with in the manner they choose.
This will not be over quickly, or easily. Should you decide to stand for your marriage, there will be a rollercoaster ride of emotions that will last a long time. Not days, not weeks, maybe not even months or a year. It may take multiple years before the spouse returns to themselves - if they decide to return, that is - and there will be many ups and downs along the way.
This is a great time to work on yourself and figure out what you like to do with your life. Classes, music lessons, trips, meditation, exercising, walks, reading books, hobbies you've neglected, friendships you've put by the wayside, things you've always wanted to do.
When I dexided to stand for my M, I realized I had a lot of time and a lot of things I had always wanted to do. So I made myself a list of things to do to keep myself occupied. It ended up being a very long list - with some things going back to childhood. I recommend it to anyone - it is a great way to pass the lonely hours and it gets your mind off things for a while.
I am sorry you are here - but you've found a great place with a lot of very knowledgeable people here who will help you tremendously.
