1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[may22]

Pommy, a thought. What if you wrote out that apology letter but don't give it to him right now? It can help to get stuff down on paper. My coach also had me write a letter and read it to her, but she said my H wasn't ready for it right now (I haven't connected with her in awhile, and don't actually know if/when will be the right time). She said it came across as too convincing, like I'm sorry! I've changed! Come back and see! and that would just be interpreted as pursuit, even though I thought it was mostly validating him and saying I understood and was sorry. I think you might be in that same place.

That being said the line I did say to him six months or so ago, (about me being committed to a healthy and passionate sex life no matter if it was with him or someone else in the future) that *maybe* was the seed that turned into us re-engaging sexually beyond the weird middle of the night slam bams-- that was a line I had written in the letter, and thought about for a couple of weeks, and then finally decided I wanted to say to him regardless. And in the moment he was totally unresponsive. It wasn't till 4 months later that it popped back up. So perhaps at least getting your thoughts out on paper could be a good first step for you organizing how you feel, and maybe there is some nugget out of that that you decide you do think is OK to share with him now. I would just caution that anything you say along these lines will very possibly be interpreted as pursuit (to lock him back in) or excuses that will only make him angrier. I'm not sure he's ready to really hear it. My H isn't, still, though I do think he now believes my "conversion" is real.

Truly, I would try really really hard not to rush into anything right now, or look at the MO date as anything more than a change that is coming up, a change that might well be for the best for both of you. And just as likely that the space it gives him allows him to reflect and make the choice to come back to you and the R, rather than an inevitable step towards D. Can you think of it that way? A gift you're giving him (and you) of space and time and freedom to choose the R with an open heart, not feel trapped into it?

Your H clearly sees so many positive things in your MR. He isn't being the mean alien who blames you for all his problems. And there isn't an OW pulling him away. I feel like you do have the ability to really slow down and not freak out about this next step-- and in fact doing that will be more beneficial in the long run even though it feels really scary now. Again I know my H and I aren't in clear territory yet by a long shot, but he has said to me multiple times how important the space I gave him to make his own decision and break off his A his own way was, that he really didn't know if he could have done it if I hadn't given him that space, and/or he might have still done it but it wouldn't have felt like HIS decision and HIS choice like it does now. Truth is I wouldn't have done it if he hadn't asked for it explicitly. And maybe what your H is asking for by MO is that space, just in a different way.