IF husband were to post to us about YOUR behavior over the last couple days, what would he post?
Originally Posted by KitCat
That he just wants me to leave him alone. That he wants me to know nothing of his business and he wants to know nothing of mine.
He is only here because until something is filed he for whatever reason in his mind he still has to use the house as his home base. He would have been gone yesterday if he found a house.
He would say he could see through my efforts as a way to hold him back and control him... not letting him go.
Maybe you misunderstood my question. I was looking for something like this:
"I was in the kitchen charging my batteries and W comes in and just keeps bothering me for like 30 minutes" or "I got home and W followed me everywhere asking me questions" or "I got home and my wife was not there. Two hours later I texted her and she did not respond. I called an hour later and it went to voice mail. " or "I showed up at the house and wife was all dressed up and running out the door. She didn't even say goodbye"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Maybe you misunderstood my question. I was looking for something like this:
"I was in the kitchen charging my batteries and W comes in and just keeps bothering me for like 30 minutes" or "I got home and W followed me everywhere asking me questions"
YES --- it would have been this.... :-(
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or "I got home and my wife was not there. Two hours later I texted her and she did not respond. I called an hour later and it went to voice mail. " or "I showed up at the house and wife was all dressed up and running out the door. She didn't even say goodbye"
However --- I realize it should have been that ^^^^^
I see what you are saying. I am making myself too available to him. I'm still in that taking care of my H mode. Discussing if I cooked up the short ribs that have been in freezer would he eat them... he said softly yes without looking at me.
When he stated he was making lasagna for his lunches later this week. I let him know that we had noodles, and some cheese - he is never in the pantry so he was rooting through it and I knew I had a second box of noodles. He got a little annoyed that I stepped in and grabbed the box... I was clearly hoovering to help him.
I then asked how much lasagna he was making. He replied his usual amount (its one of his go to dishes). He then said there would be plenty if I wanted some. I said okay thanks.
I still got him up last night when was not getting up for work after alarms had gone off 1 1/2hr ago.
Maybe if he is in the other room and not MB I can let go of doing this.
R2C - I see what you are saying. I need to be doing the latter and not the former.
You "mother" him entirely too much. The man is grown and he doesn't need someone mothering him all of the time. We need to remind you...he fired you as his wife. He wants his business to remain his and your business remain yours, so give him what he asked for...his private time and space. If he speaks, then you reply back. Do not question him unless it is about finances. As for where he's sleeping when he's not there....as he stated previously...it is now none of your business. The more you question him, the more he is apt to stretch the truth or just lie.
Give him all of the space he can choke on. Leave him alone. Learn to detach a bit more. This isn't your first rodeo and you need to go back and revisit your previous thread to see what you did back then. However, as I stated previously, I do not think your h returned to the marriage 100% 2 years ago. He was still thinking about his situation and it finally got to him. This new situation really isn't a new one at all...but a continuation from 2 years ago. I know you'll disagree w/me, but I call it as I see if from your previous thread and the postings of the here and now.
What you need to understand...he's mentally checked out and when they are like that, nothing will bring them back until they are ready to work on themselves and their situation. That is why is it important for you to focus on you, your son for now. Step way, way back and give him the time and space to figure things out. The more you hover, the more he will resent the hovering and you and yes, the world outside will look so much more inviting to him.
Keep that focus on you. Do what you need to do to get by each day. Make a list of things that you've wanted to do and never had the opportunity to do them and then....start working on that list.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Give him all of the space he can choke on. Leave him alone. Learn to detach a bit more. This isn't your first rodeo and you need to go back and revisit your previous thread to see what you did back then. However, as I stated previously, I do not think your h returned to the marriage 100% 2 years ago. He was still thinking about his situation and it finally got to him. This new situation really isn't a new one at all...but a continuation from 2 years ago. I know you'll disagree w/me, but I call it as I see if from your previous thread and the postings of the here and now.
I don't entirely disagree. I stopped doing those things that brought him back to relationship. I stopped working out... slowly gained the weight back and felt horribly self conscious and unknowingly pushed him away. I had agreed to move when S18 graduated high school and that time is here and he just was seeing signs that I would never move... I mean I was talking in generalities like we need to do this to sell the house... but then I would say something he felt that I wasn't leaving. Seriously, if he came to me and said "its time to leave this behind or I can't continue the for sale sign would have been in the yard!" But, he just stewed on things...
So yes, I stopped DBing... and things reverted back to the same old same old which is why he states he can never give me another chance... it would hurt too much if he put himself out there again.
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What you need to understand...he's mentally checked out and when they are like that, nothing will bring them back until they are ready to work on themselves and their situation. That is why is it important for you to focus on you, your son for now. Step way, way back and give him the time and space to figure things out. The more you hover, the more he will resent the hovering and you and yes, the world outside will look so much more inviting to him.
YES ---- I will focus on only answering if he approaches me.
I went home at lunch expecting H to be in bed getting some sleep.
I walk in and hear the dehydrator going and I come in to the kitchen he is sitting at the table. Right now this is the only spot he seems to occupy in the house. It used to be his recliner.
Being caught off guard he was there... I just in a happy voice said 'ohhhhh bananas....' H has never done these before. I wasn't even talking to him but looking at the dehydrator like a deer in headlights. H then said R's (male friend) daughter likes them.
I had moved my work out clothes first thing this morning so that if H was sleeping I didn't have to disturb him to get them. I go and change in another part of the house as H stated he was about ready to take a shower.
I then go into another room, closed the door and proceeded to work out while he continued to sit at the table on his phone.
10min later he comes into the room I'm in to talk to me. I have to take out my ear buds and stop the equipment to hear him as he is just so soft spoken these days with. He stated X was finished in the garage (this was a project that needed finished and stalled... for years). I said okay thanks. He turns and leaves the room to go shower.
Now, I could have gone into the garage and noticed - it would have been obvious it was done. He could have even waited to see if I noticed and then complained that I hadn't.
I'm sure he just thinks he is taking care of business.
So I finish my workout. Go rinse off. Get back into work clothes. Chat with friends on phone. I'm sitting quietly in the room with the door closed to keep things quiet when he gets up an hour later and peeks to see if I am home but says nothing. Gets ice cream from the freezer and retreats to the room.
So here we are yet again at 3pm and he isn't sleeping... he will not be able to get himself up... its a beautiful day and I'm surprised that if he isn't sleeping he didn't take the motorcycle out.
I will go home and try to walk the dogs together - disaster I'm sure, but if I just take one the other will bark non-stop and I don't want that to wake up H. It really is a pretty day and I caught myself in a smile earlier at work.
If you're concerned he's asking for too much financial info from you while not providing enough in return, or just don't want to have these interactions with him, consider directing his requests to your attorney. The cost is minimal when mine plays such a role since mine bills in 5-minute increments--"You should provide this", "You don't need to provide that", or "Hey, Mr. WAH, you also need to give us X, Y, and Z." He may organize his thoughts better and it gets you out of spending your limited interactions with him on these.
He doesn't know I've lawyered up... While Ive had a initial consult I have to come up with a grand for retainer is the next step.
He finds out I've lawyerd up ... it will get so ugly in a hurry... He will just see me as out for his money.... and that is all I ever wanted from him was a paycheck. :-(
However --- I realize it should have been that ^^^^^
Is it better for him to miss you while you are gone, or resent you while you are around?
Of course the first part... definitely...
He has been gone quite a lot... and when he takes off for 4 days at a time like he has been doing I don't call or text. But, I doubt he is missing me at all.
