He got into bed and I could see from how he was moving that he was quite drunk. I asked him what film he had in mind and he ignored the question and started talking to me about feeling constrained, suffocated, unhappy in our house and our marriage. I validated and asked him if he just wanted to do his own thing instead. He ignored the question and basically spent an hour unloading on me. It reminded me so so so much of how it was early in our separation - when I did see him during that time he used it as an opportunity to just verbally savage me - he can be so mean and cruel - and it was like that again. It was hard to really make much sense out of what he was saying, but his general points seemed to be that he felt disrespected, unimportant, that he felt I didn't consider him when making decisions, that he felt his relationship with Eldest was irreparably damaged, that he felt all the decisions I made around the kids (he was giving examples of fairly basic day to day stuff, like their chores and their homework schedules and after school activities) weren't for their benefit, but to make sure my friends thought I was a good parent because all I cared about was what other people thought of me (?) and various spewing amongst those lines. I listened for about an hour, saying very little. He'd now and again ask a question of an argumentative and leading type, 'don't you think that...' but not stop to draw breath or let me answer, then carry on arguing on his own as if the answer he imagined I would give had displeased him. After about an hour of this I suggested that it was late, and perhaps it was better picked up some other time once we'd had some sleep. He then started doing nasty impressions of me crying and wailing and begging for him to stop being mean to me (I was doing none of those things - I was calm and quiet and saying very very little) and so I left the room.
Alison ~ My W used to do this, everything except the nasty impression part. I learned it always happened late at night, and typically if she had a drink or two. A casual conversation would morph into a tsunami of complaints. I would say I want to hear her feelings, whether or not they might be hard for me to hear. I validated. All of that, like you did. She would eventually say "I'm tired" and then storm off to bed, with no closure to the conversation.
I think there is a limit of "reasonableness" when it comes to validating. This is not how feelings are shared in healthy relationships. Perhaps your H needs to find a way to share difficult feelings. Maybe he bottles things up, assumes you can read his mind, assumes the worst in you, and then vents when he's had some alcohol to lower his filter. That's not secure or healthy. I think it's entirely fair for you to set boundaries about what you will and won't tolerate. You are also working hard to continue to show you are open to his feelings, within limits of respectful behavior.
