Help with WW #2

[sandi2]

OS2, if you have not read my previous post from few minutes ago, please read it first.

I don't know if you have read the links about WW's, listed at the bottom of page 1 on Sandi's Rules. It took several threads, trying to cover some things I wanted to share with newcomer LBH's, plus trying to answer those who were posting to me on the thread. The first thread is about the mindset of the WW, plus more things, too.

I wrote pretty extensively in my second thread of "Help for the Newcomer LBH who has a WW#2" on the subject of what a returning WW looks like, and caution to not take her back too quickly. There is also some great help from a couple of retired members, Wonka and Starsky, you might want to read.

Below is a quote from an anxious LBH. It may not reflect your exact sitch, but my response is close enough to answer your question. If not, then I'll try again.

It's been one month since I've seen her. Still no contact about her coming to get some stuff. What I've been wondering is how do I handle it if she says she misses me, I know the general idea is we have to wait until they are 100% committed to working on the R or M but how do I best transition that? Or do I just test to see if she's even interested in working on stuff?

Response from Sandi:

Let's break this down a bit, b/c none of this is going to happen all at the same time.

If she should make contact with you, she will probably use some excuse as being the basis of her contact. In the conversation, she may just say something about missing you. You want to know how you should respond, right? My suggestion is that you don't make an instant reply, b/c this is no big "sign" that she's having second thought or anything. It is more like her temp checking you to see that you are still attached. So what do you normally say when someone makes a statement you find very hard to believe. That is kind of the attitude you need at this particular time, that you know she is full of BS. You don't say it, but you know that's what she is doing.

I doubt you will follow my advice, but you should say, "Really!" (as if you know she's lying) "Surprisingly, I have made it much better than I would have thought".

Do you know why you tell a WW this? So she will think you are moving on........and she was the one to set you free! Even though she may respond in such a way that sounds differently, that will be what she is thinking. She has made you a free agent. This train of thought will get her focus on you a lot more than you could imagine! Do not sound like some pitiful victim that has been booted out of his M. Sound like a guy who is single and is discovering it's not too bad!

I am not sure if I understand the second part of that first question. The waiting till they are ready to commit to the M is referring to reconciliation. It is unlikely she will call out of the blue, saying she wants to save the M. However, if that should happen, do not jump at the chance to tell her, "Yes, of course!". You stall, and say something like, "I would like to believe you, however, things aren't that simple now". Then if she asks what you mean, you say, "I would have to feel I would not be hurt again, and considering everything, I don't know that I can take that risk yet". (Side note: You can even practice saying these things to yourself, if it will give you more confidence.)

By this point in the contact, you may be able to decide if she's temp checking or if she's genuine. I can assure you that if you seem excited about the possibilities of getting back together, it will turn her away. If there was ever a time to act hard to get, it would be at this time. She has to really want you back.......and not b/c she saw how tough life can be, or b/c OM rejected her, or b/c having you as plan B is safe. You want her back b/c she desires no man but you! If you agree to take her back under any other conditions, it will not be the M you want.

You are waiting to hear her ask what would it take. That is the time to tell her the conditions, and don't tell her before she asks. The conditions should be that she writes a letter to OM, stating that she made a terrible mistake by ending her R with you, and that she does not love OM and never wants to have contact with him again. She tells him she loves you and wants to work on her M. She writes this in her handwriting, no email or text, not even typed out. She gives it to you to read before mailing it. YOU mail the letter, not her.

She agrees to your transparency plan, not hers. She agrees to get tested for any STD, with you going with her to the doctor. She agrees to attend MC sessions with the therapist you choose.

I am probably leaving something out, but you get the general idea. There is a lot to consider when reconciling, or you will have a repeat experience in all probability.

A few things to look for, which are essential. One, is she remorseful? If not, don't waste your time. Does she get an attitude about any of the above? Has she apologized? How willing is she to do the necessary work? If she balks, accuses you of controlling, starts giving you her conditions of coming back, tells you that you'll just have to trust her, or any excuse for not fully cooperating with everything you want........then she was not really ready.

See what I mean? There is more involved than her simply missing you. And btw, it may take a long time for her to really miss you. Know the difference here, missing you is one thing........willing to do what is necessary to save the M is quite another!

OS2, I want you to understand that most WW's think that they can simply waltz back into the home on their own terms. They think the LBH wants her back too much to ask questions, much less throw out any terms. Never allow her to come back calling the shots. I promise you it will be disastrous. She has to agree to your terms, okay. She's the cheater, not you, and if she has the chance.....she'll try to twist things around and pull you into her terms. Humility is key, and if it's not genuine, it will quickly show in her attitude. That's why you need to give it some time, before agreeing to take her back.

Don't say anything to her about what I'm sharing with you, okay? WW's are great actresses b/c they are deceivers. It's no problem for her to turn on the tears........but if you can't tell the difference in true remorse and in her putting on an act, then it's best to stall and tell her you would like to believe her, but you aren't sure. She cannot put the spotlight on herself.....like a pity party, or start naming your faults. Nope, none of that stuff. If she is genuinely ready to be a good wife to you, then she will show signs of repenting.

If you are still not convinced, then taking time to date her would probably help (if she's ended her affair and is willing to follow your terms of reconciliation). Never date a WW who has not ended contact with OM. Dating would only be in order when you are working toward reconciliation and she's on the same page.