Sandi2 - previously on this thread it was mentioned that you had some advice on what a returning W should look like. I've looked through the forums on here but haven't found anything concrete. Have you got any pearls of wisdom on what to look for, and when a WW is "on the turn" to return to the M and give her all to make it work?
Here's a short list, and these come in no particular order. The WW may not express all of these at once. My caution to the LBH is to take it slow and don't delete any of these things to make it easy for her to come back to you. Letting her come back too quickly and/or too easily is a big mistake. I promise, you will regret it.
*Remorse and expression of repentance *Humbleness (it will show mostly in her attitude) *Gives a sincere apology (with no excuses) for the pain she has caused you. *Takes full responsibility for her actions, without excuses or blame......(especially an affair, and without trying to put some responsibility on your back). *Willingness to do whatever you say is necessary to reconcile. She doesn't get to call the shots. *Agreeing to your terms (end the affair cold turkey, no contact with OM, transparency, STD tests, share MBR with you, marriage counseling, etc.) *Cooperation
Don't tell her the emotions you need to see in her. WW's are great actresses, b/c they are deceivers. To tell her what emotions to show, is giving away your ability to determine if she's being genuine or playing you for a fool.
If she should ask what it will take or what she has to do, then you can tell her everything except the first two. That doesn't mean you have to take her back right then....b/c you are the offended partner here. If she agrees to those terms, then you can take time to decide if you think she's serious or not. Here's the thing, most LBH's are way to eager to take back a wayward wife, and they are afraid to make it difficult for her return. If he only understood how important it is to not let her come back too quickly or too easily. What I mean by coming back too easily, is that she has not processed and/or made changes, so she basically has the same mindset.
My second link on Help for the LBH with a WW talks about this subject.
I may copy and past one of the posts from that thread.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
