I don't want a divorce II ---- NEW THREAD Part 3

[SteveLW]

I don't see a problem with this as long as you aren't following him around.

I don't feel that I was but he might have. I did hang in the kitchen as well. Normally I would have been at the computer reading the news and what not... but I'm trying to do a 180 on that. He hated that he would come home and I was busy reading and getting my head wrapped around my work day.

He sat at the kitchen table and really engaged my S18 in conversation about his activities. I stayed in busy in the bathroom. I didn't want to interrupt. It was nice having them chat and get along. Its been a strained relationship up until 3yr ago.

Small tweak. Stop greeting him. Come into kitchen, smiling, happy, and whistling, humming or singing. If he says hello, then say it back cheerfully.

Okay... it would be totally weird for me to come out of the bedroom humming... lol... I get it. I thought being upbeat would be seeming happy and asking him generalities.

"Whatever you think is best."

Got it!! He was the one to bring it up that landscaping appointment was on Wednesday - confirming with me. I didn't just didn't confirm that he would be there. I'm actually surprised he is... he always refers to this as my house. And, I really didn't think I could expect him to give input at this point. But, I really want to back on and let him take the lead - the question is will he? Or will he just state its up to me again?

"I have a lot on my plate right now and I can't get to the guest bedroom. Feel free to move the stuff out if you would like to stay in there."

I tried to make it sound like that but clearly fumbled my words. I know he doesn't want to touch my stuff. I'm sure he doesn't want me "witching" that he moved something or did something wrong. I almost wanted to text him later and say I would cancel my plans on Wednesday to do it... but then didn't.

If it were super important he could just pull the things directly in front of the bed to other side... it would take about 5min max.

This isn't weak. This is just the wrong thing to do. This is pressure and control and needy. Stop.

You are absolutely right... I was being NEEDY. I was looking for reassurance he wasn't shaking up with her again. It was wrong. I could just kick myself.

I can answer that. He isn't. Which is why you don't ask. Cheaters spew lies. Lies are like the cheaters appetizer. BELIEVE NOTHING HE SAYS.

Its hard... because his actions of moving on are matching his words... staying away from the house. Looking for a house to buy... Its like I better believe him and know it to be true.

KC, on a grading scale of A through F, how do you think you scored?

Well considering I texted him thank you for getting out the recycle... I would say a D+???

I'd say D-. But that means you just start doing better from this point forward!

"Its hard... because his actions of moving on are matching his words... staying away from the house. Looking for a house to buy... Its like I better believe him and know it to be true."

No these are not actions matching words. All of his talk about "numbers" and looking for a house but going to rent. Smoke. When he GETS his own place and moves out, then his actions will match his words. But that isn't what I was talking about. I was talking about asking him where he was going to stay. Do you really think, even on cross-examination, that he'd come out and go "You got me, I am shacking up with OW, not going to my friend's."? Of course not! That is why you don't ask because he is going to lie no matter what.

" I thought being upbeat would be seeming happy and asking him generalities."

Remember, he is like a cat. Let him come to you. Let him be the one to say hi first. Let him talk about generalities. It is amazing what happens when you back off and remove all pressure and pursuit. Almost universally the WAS will get curious about what is going on and start being the one to start conversations. For all of his bluster, he wants you there as Plan B. Why do you think he hasn't moved out yet? He has plenty of places. Friends. Parents. OW. If he really wanted to be out by now he would be.

Back off and give him space, even in the house. Try it.