Good morningI can hear birds singing, someone shoveling, spring sounds.
May and Wooba, DnJ, here's me spending time trying to understand again. Ultimately you're both right that the point is the decision is ultimately the WAS, no matter how they get there. I'm just curious about what it might be like to get to that place. I hope I am not putting any roadblocks up, and I also hope I don't appear to H to be sitting around on my hands waiting for him to go through his journey.
H brought back the stuff that he'd taken with him to house-set this morning. I'd been wondering if we'd walk down the street to vote together like always, or, if not, how he'd possibly avoid that, since we're always there right when the polls open. He said bye and drove off, and I left a few minutes later on foot. Of course he was the only one at the polling place when I arrived. It made it more awkward that he didn't say anything when he left the house, like, See you at the ___, I guess! We waited for it to open and I asked him how the dog-sitting was going. He said it was nice having dogs sleeping on him. He made a weird face, and I pointed that out, and he said, yeah, I'll miss the dogs. He's always wanted a dog, but we had cats (who I know he also really loves). I asked what kind of dogs they were, and he told me a little more about them. We talked a bit about the election.
The poll workers were ready, then, and I was in line behind him. They checked off his name and then mine, and the woman said, "Ah, you're right above your husband in the list." H was a few steps in front of me at that point, but I'm sure he heard. We voted, then waited as the poll workers stumbled charmingly through the next steps, as usually happens when we're the first voters.
Overall it was a bit awkward because we hadn't really seen each other in several days, and when that happens he seems to warm up a bit after the initial interaction. At least, I think he felt awkward at first, and I decided to just act normal, PMA, ask him about the dogs... and by the end we were both kind of laughing together at the antics of the poll workers.
But, ugh, it's just so hard to face the reality again and again that H has put up this wall and we can't just talk like people who've been best friends/M for 16 years! We are not strangers! I mean, there are moments when it feels like we are people with a history who are talking to each other. Maybe moreso lately than in the first six months after BD, when he seemed really angry and withdrawn. But it's still feels so weird to go from being totally at ease with each other, to BD, to no talking mixed with small talk. It seems more "normal" (but maybe also more horrible) in sitches where the WAS is still sometimes interacting with the LBS like an H or Wlike that way of being makes more sense to me, because it seems like it would be harder for the WAS to just distance themselves 100%. But maybe I've got that wrong. Maybe it's easier to throw up that distance, easier on the WAS anyway.
I sometimes wonder if he is also protecting himself from feeling feelings about me/about the situation by maintaining his distance in this way. Sometimes it hurts because it feels like indifference on his part, but I don't really believe that it is indifference. It seems more like a way he has to be to cope with his life right now.
