I don't want a divorce II ---- NEW THREAD Part 3

[SteveLW]

SICKENING. Why are you trying to save things with this person?

Love the person, hate the behavior.

Very true. But, that doesn't mean tolerate the behavior either.

[KitCat]

H complains that he is not getting enough sleep.

I'm home at lunch and he is not there... he calls... I let it go to voicemail.

He shows up but doesn't come in the house. He is in the garage. The puppy is in the house with me and then the puppy opened up the door all by himself and ran out into the garage to see him.

I followed puppy and at the same time S18 gets home. H is loading up the old water heater to take to place to get rid of it along with the previous dog kennel that he replaced last night.

Its nearly 2pm. H comes into the house saying that got a text car insurance hadn't been paid. I informed him I just did it. He went on to say the number I gave for the fence people isn't working so I double check the number.

There was more continued chatter - nothing significant. Somehow at this point we are back in the garage inspecting new dog kennel as there was a minor issue. He gets ready to head out and states he is dropping this stuff off and going to the eye doctor. I just said oh? The nose piece fell off his glasses again - that [censored]!

So he is heading out at 2pm... it will be 3pm before he gets home... he has to shower and sleep to leave for work by 8pm.

Now, that I've typed it all out he is just trying to get everything done at the house before he goes... he is willing to be sleep deprived if it gets him out of here faster. That makes sense now.

At least I didn't do anything to create a disagreement. Perhaps some tension between us can lift a little.

[SteveLW]

KC, his shift is killing him. I've known a lot of people on afternoons and midnights, and their MRs always suffer on those shifts. Is his shift a long-term thing? Is there any chance he can work normal hours at some point?

[KitCat]

KC, his shift is killing him. I've known a lot of people on afternoons and midnights, and their MRs always suffer on those shifts. Is his shift a long-term thing? Is there any chance he can work normal hours at some point?

He loves 3rd shift ---- its not the shift, its the 2hr20min round trip drive with it.

We work opposite shifts and he is a commuter - we were a high risk M to start. Those things lead to sleep deprivation, not connecting well, etc.

But, here he is doing all this stuff TODAY. He is getting no sleep TODAY. This is not helping his mindset. But, I suppose he justifies it by the fact he made sure these things were taken care of before he left. :-( Why else is he conitnuing to kill himself? He got more sleep - before BD, when he complained he didn't... WTH?

[KitCat]

When we are both at the house we mindlessly pace. I mean I'm getting ready for work which is normal for me to flit about the house but he is just standing in the kitchen.

I am upbeat and say hello... he mumbles back. He is cooking his meals for the week. He is bringing in power tools to charge for garage work... he mentions that he no longer has circular saw. We discuss rental if possible.. buying one.

He randomly states now would be the time to plant grass seed in back yard. I was wanting to wait until the yard had been regraded before going that expense and had always dismissed him.

Today I said if he thought it best and he was up to it I was fine with it... letting him have control... backing off.. it would be a 180 but also might be seen as a form of pleading?

I also asked if he was going to be here for landscape appt tomorrow... he said yes. I said I would appreciate that and I value his opinion on what to do. I have to set back. I have to not interupt... I want to give him the lead. He feels I have cut him off and not listened to him previously.

I said I know its important to you but I cant get the spare room cleaned out till this weekend. He quietly stated he would stay at R's [male friend] for another 4 day weekend. He states he was looking at houses Thursday and Friday and then working all weekend so did not want to be making the drive back and forth.

I'm weak and actually asked... are you really staying at Ron's or your female friend? He stated again Ron's. I let it go and then asked if Ron had spare room.. he said yes.

Why does it matter??? I would like to think he is truthful and the old him would have stated "what does it matter" if he felt I asked questions that he felt were nosey... but who knows if he is telling truth.

I am exercising... I need to step it up... first 10 dow. But the second 10 I will have to work for.

Wednesday have a couple of appt and will go to winery for food and music...

[SteveLW]

When we are both at the house we mindlessly pace. I mean I'm getting ready for work which is normal for me to flit about the house but he is just standing in the kitchen.

I don't see a problem with this as long as you aren't following him around.

I am upbeat and say hello... he mumbles back. He is cooking his meals for the week. He is bringing in power tools to charge for garage work... he mentions that he no longer has circular saw. We discuss rental if possible.. buying one.

Small tweak. Stop greeting him. Come into kitchen, smiling, happy, and whistling, humming or singing. If he says hello, then say it back cheerfully.

He randomly states now would be the time to plant grass seed in back yard. I was wanting to wait until the yard had been regraded before going that expense and had always dismissed him.

Today I said if he thought it best and he was up to it I was fine with it... letting him have control... backing off.. it would be a 180 but also might be seen as a form of pleading?

"Whatever you think is best."

I also asked if he was going to be here for landscape appt tomorrow... he said yes. I said I would appreciate that and I value his opinion on what to do. I have to set back. I have to not interupt... I want to give him the lead. He feels I have cut him off and not listened to him previously.

"I am meeting with the landscaper at X time tomorrow in case you would like to be there."

DO NOT REMIND HIM OF THE APPOINTMENT. He is a big boy and he can be responsible for his schedule.

I said I know its important to you but I cant get the spare room cleaned out till this weekend. He quietly stated he would stay at R's [male friend] for another 4 day weekend. He states he was looking at houses Thursday and Friday and then working all weekend so did not want to be making the drive back and forth.

"I have a lot on my plate right now and I can't get to the guest bedroom. Feel free to move the stuff out if you would like to stay in there."

I'm weak and actually asked... are you really staying at Ron's or your female friend? He stated again Ron's. I let it go and then asked if Ron had spare room.. he said yes.

This isn't weak. This is just the wrong thing to do. This is pressure and control and needy. Stop.

Why does it matter??? I would like to think he is truthful and the old him would have stated "what does it matter" if he felt I asked questions that he felt were nosey... but who knows if he is telling truth.

I can answer that. He isn't. Which is why you don't ask. Cheaters spew lies. Lies are like the cheaters appetizer. BELIEVE NOTHING HE SAYS.

I am exercising... I need to step it up... first 10 dow. But the second 10 I will have to work for.

Wednesday have a couple of appt and will go to winery for food and music...

KC, on a grading scale of A through F, how do you think you scored?

[Ready2Change]

Hi Kit,


IF husband were to post to us about YOUR behavior over the last couple days, what would he post?

[KitCat]

I don't see a problem with this as long as you aren't following him around.

I don't feel that I was but he might have. I did hang in the kitchen as well. Normally I would have been at the computer reading the news and what not... but I'm trying to do a 180 on that. He hated that he would come home and I was busy reading and getting my head wrapped around my work day.

He sat at the kitchen table and really engaged my S18 in conversation about his activities. I stayed in busy in the bathroom. I didn't want to interrupt. It was nice having them chat and get along. Its been a strained relationship up until 3yr ago.

Small tweak. Stop greeting him. Come into kitchen, smiling, happy, and whistling, humming or singing. If he says hello, then say it back cheerfully.

Okay... it would be totally weird for me to come out of the bedroom humming... lol... I get it. I thought being upbeat would be seeming happy and asking him generalities.

"Whatever you think is best."

Got it!! He was the one to bring it up that landscaping appointment was on Wednesday - confirming with me. I didn't just didn't confirm that he would be there. I'm actually surprised he is... he always refers to this as my house. And, I really didn't think I could expect him to give input at this point. But, I really want to back on and let him take the lead - the question is will he? Or will he just state its up to me again?

"I have a lot on my plate right now and I can't get to the guest bedroom. Feel free to move the stuff out if you would like to stay in there."

I tried to make it sound like that but clearly fumbled my words. I know he doesn't want to touch my stuff. I'm sure he doesn't want me "witching" that he moved something or did something wrong. I almost wanted to text him later and say I would cancel my plans on Wednesday to do it... but then didn't.

If it were super important he could just pull the things directly in front of the bed to other side... it would take about 5min max.

This isn't weak. This is just the wrong thing to do. This is pressure and control and needy. Stop.

You are absolutely right... I was being NEEDY. I was looking for reassurance he wasn't shaking up with her again. It was wrong. I could just kick myself.

I can answer that. He isn't. Which is why you don't ask. Cheaters spew lies. Lies are like the cheaters appetizer. BELIEVE NOTHING HE SAYS.

Its hard... because his actions of moving on are matching his words... staying away from the house. Looking for a house to buy... Its like I better believe him and know it to be true.

KC, on a grading scale of A through F, how do you think you scored?

Well considering I texted him thank you for getting out the recycle... I would say a D+???

[KitCat]

Hi Kit,


IF husband were to post to us about YOUR behavior over the last couple days, what would he post?

That he just wants me to leave him alone. That he wants me to know nothing of his business and he wants to know nothing of mine.

He is only here because until something is filed he for whatever reason in his mind he still has to use the house as his home base. He would have been gone yesterday if he found a house.

He would say he could see through my efforts as a way to hold him back and control him... not letting him go.

[SteveLW]

I don't see a problem with this as long as you aren't following him around.

I don't feel that I was but he might have. I did hang in the kitchen as well. Normally I would have been at the computer reading the news and what not... but I'm trying to do a 180 on that. He hated that he would come home and I was busy reading and getting my head wrapped around my work day.

He sat at the kitchen table and really engaged my S18 in conversation about his activities. I stayed in busy in the bathroom. I didn't want to interrupt. It was nice having them chat and get along. Its been a strained relationship up until 3yr ago.

Small tweak. Stop greeting him. Come into kitchen, smiling, happy, and whistling, humming or singing. If he says hello, then say it back cheerfully.

Okay... it would be totally weird for me to come out of the bedroom humming... lol... I get it. I thought being upbeat would be seeming happy and asking him generalities.

"Whatever you think is best."

Got it!! He was the one to bring it up that landscaping appointment was on Wednesday - confirming with me. I didn't just didn't confirm that he would be there. I'm actually surprised he is... he always refers to this as my house. And, I really didn't think I could expect him to give input at this point. But, I really want to back on and let him take the lead - the question is will he? Or will he just state its up to me again?

"I have a lot on my plate right now and I can't get to the guest bedroom. Feel free to move the stuff out if you would like to stay in there."

I tried to make it sound like that but clearly fumbled my words. I know he doesn't want to touch my stuff. I'm sure he doesn't want me "witching" that he moved something or did something wrong. I almost wanted to text him later and say I would cancel my plans on Wednesday to do it... but then didn't.

If it were super important he could just pull the things directly in front of the bed to other side... it would take about 5min max.

This isn't weak. This is just the wrong thing to do. This is pressure and control and needy. Stop.

You are absolutely right... I was being NEEDY. I was looking for reassurance he wasn't shaking up with her again. It was wrong. I could just kick myself.

I can answer that. He isn't. Which is why you don't ask. Cheaters spew lies. Lies are like the cheaters appetizer. BELIEVE NOTHING HE SAYS.

Its hard... because his actions of moving on are matching his words... staying away from the house. Looking for a house to buy... Its like I better believe him and know it to be true.

KC, on a grading scale of A through F, how do you think you scored?

Well considering I texted him thank you for getting out the recycle... I would say a D+???

I'd say D-. But that means you just start doing better from this point forward!

"Its hard... because his actions of moving on are matching his words... staying away from the house. Looking for a house to buy... Its like I better believe him and know it to be true."

No these are not actions matching words. All of his talk about "numbers" and looking for a house but going to rent. Smoke. When he GETS his own place and moves out, then his actions will match his words. But that isn't what I was talking about. I was talking about asking him where he was going to stay. Do you really think, even on cross-examination, that he'd come out and go "You got me, I am shacking up with OW, not going to my friend's."? Of course not! That is why you don't ask because he is going to lie no matter what.

" I thought being upbeat would be seeming happy and asking him generalities."

Remember, he is like a cat. Let him come to you. Let him be the one to say hi first. Let him talk about generalities. It is amazing what happens when you back off and remove all pressure and pursuit. Almost universally the WAS will get curious about what is going on and start being the one to start conversations. For all of his bluster, he wants you there as Plan B. Why do you think he hasn't moved out yet? He has plenty of places. Friends. Parents. OW. If he really wanted to be out by now he would be.

Back off and give him space, even in the house. Try it.