I know my first post didn’t have a lot of background and that I need to add some. After reading so many threads on here, I realize there is nothing unique or different about my situation. In the beginning when the nuclear bomb is detonated it does feel like you are the only one in the world to ever experience this much pain, this much betrayal. And there is also the fact that H says things like “There is no self-help book for our situation.” or “Our situation is not like anyone else’s.” Yeah, actually it is. We aren’t unique. His identity crisis is not unique. So much so that he could do a dramatic re-enactment of the “script” MWD writes about.
Eight or nine months ago he started acting very odd. The one thing I have always been able to count on with him is consistency. Predictable, secure, safe, trustworthy, steady… creature of habit, some might say rigid. Those are the words anyone would use to describe him. He doesn’t deviate from routine. He doesn’t like change. He throws a tantrum if anything in his schedule gets shifted. Other words I might use to describe this person I’ve loved for a quarter of a century: soft spoken, kind, gentle, passive. Anyway, he started acting very odd. Moody, surly, like an impetuous teenager. Spouting off things like he’s always been the responsible one. He’s tired of being responsible. He’s always put everyone else first. He’s sacrificed who he is and what he wants. And then things like “I don’t know that this is the life I want.” “I don’t know if I ever wanted this life.” “I don’t know what I want.” “I don’t know if I love you anymore.” “I am not happy. I’m not even sure I’ve ever been happy in our marriage.” So much re-writing of our history together! He took up new hobbies. Ditched his age appropriate friends and started spending all his time with new, much younger, not married friends. (He is 47. His current group of friends are all in their 20s.) This alien version of him alternated with stretches of not totally normal him but more normal. Statements like “I don’t love you anymore” might be replaced a few days later with “Of course I love you. I don’t know why I said that. I’m just so confused.”
I did not go looking for information on the internet. I did not try to diagnose it or tease it apart. I guess if I had, I might have come to the conclusion that he is having a MLC. I am sure I should have done a lot of things differently. I could clearly see he was going through something and I felt like some of it was/ is understandable and so I tried to manage my own feelings of “WTF is happening here? Fear, terror, bewilderment… “ I tried as much as possible to be supportive of whatever process or journey he was on. If I had found this group way back then, I probably would have done a better job because I sure as heck wasn’t practicing DB back then. But I did try to give space. I didn’t ask a lot of questions.
Back to the point of feeling like some of the things he was saying being understandable to me. We were young when we met. In college. My parents died a couple of months before I met him and my whole life was shattered in that instant. So from the very start of our life and at an age that most people aren’t dealing with those sorts of things, he was very much the strong one, the one I leaned on, the protector. He liked feeling like he was taking care of me and being my rock. His family became my family because I had no family anymore. And all these years later, here we are. I do think he took on a lot of responsibility at an age that maybe one shouldn’t have to take on that responsibility. And though he spouted a lot of crazy things I could sympathize (right word?) with him waking up and feeling like he’s always done the right thing, the thing he should do, always been responsible and dependable etc. etc. (My heart hurt for him when he told me he’s spent our whole life worried that he would disappoint me. He told me I’ve always had him on a pedestal and saw him as this perfect creature. And that it was a mighty burden to try to live up to that. I didn’t know he felt that way and I think we are beautiful as much for our failures as our successes. I hate that he ever worried about disappointing me or letting me down. I get why he felt that way.)
And yet some of the arguments were kind of absurd. Here’s an example: ME: “We’re going to Joe’s Pizza Friday after S1’s little league game. So and so will be there too.” HIM: “I don’t want pizza. You make all the decisions about meals. What I want is never considered. I have no choices in this life. You decide everything.” ME: “For years H, I said things like <hey, what do you want for dinner? Or what do you want to do Friday night?> and you always said <I don’t care. I don’t want to decide. Whatever you want is fine.> But wait… because it continues…. HIM: “You know I am really passive. You know I don’t have a strong opinion about things. And you do. You have a preference about everything. So I just went along with whatever.” Of course I can stand back and see the core feeling even if having pizza on Friday night is not really the thing to blow up about.
And then sometimes they were so crazy I had no idea how to respond. Like the “I’m not happy. Maybe I was never happy. I don’t know if I love you. Maybe I never loved you.” and me handing him a box of every card, every letter from 25 years. Me reading aloud from some of them about how much he loves me, our life, our family, everything we’ve built together, how proud he is of the life and marriage we have. And I KID YOU NOT he ACTUALLY RESPONDED to that box of 25 years and said “Maybe I was just telling you what I thought you wanted to hear. What I was supposed to say. I couldn’t tell you the truth.” ???????? At the time, I didn’t believe this because I thought the evidence in the box was pretty overwhelming. I just thought “Okay, you- H- gotta figure this out yourself.”
A few times over the past eight or nine months, I have asked, almost as an aside “You seem all over the place. Is there someone else?” and got the (now I know typical scripted) response: “NO. NO. How could you even think that? How could you possibly think I could do that? You are crazy to even ask.” And given that in all these years he HAS always been an honorable man with integrity… or maybe just my own DENIAL… I believed his answers and just went back to my effort to give space and time and let him try new things.
Of course now it turns out that his bizarre behavior started more or less exactly when the affair started. That MLC or not, the affair and his total questioning of everything were inextricably intertwined.
I don’t know what finally clicked for me. I did not have “proof” just a gut feeling. And so about a month ago I confronted him on a long car ride. And he denied and denied and denied. And then started to trickle out some truth and then blamed me and then alternated between crying and apologizing and justifying and blaming… It was not a day I would ever want to re-live.
So that is the back story.
One other parenthetical, tangential something something… I guess I mention it just because it stings like a whole hive of hornets. During one of the "alien light stretches" he took me to meet all of his new friends. He said “they all think I am making you up because they’ve never met you.” So I went to some bbq party with him. I thought to myself that these are all sweet kids. It is possible some of them had him as professor. Does he really not think it is weird and kind of creepy to be hanging out in a group where he is so much older than every other person? Where he is the ONLY one with a wife, kids, a mortgage, a job that comes with health insurance? Anyway, at the party, I met HER. I didn’t KNOW who I was meeting of course because I didn’t know there was an affair. But it was already happening then. (What was HE thinking taking me there and introducing me to her?) I thought she was a sweet bubbly girl. She reminded me of me at that age. Very outgoing, charismatic, charming… I didn’t suspect a thing.
Post script to that parenthetical: in the wake of the nuclear bomb I remembered that day. And I asked him what the F*C% he was thinking when he introduced me to the 20 something girl he was having an affair with. His response (s)-- plural. 1. I don’t know what I was thinking. OH MY GOD. What was I thinking? Why did I do that? 2. You know how I compartmentalize. 3. We were just friends so it didn’t occur to me that it was weird. (!!!!! Friends !!!!! He will still say they were just friends like somehow the physical part doesn’t make them more than friends.)
Gosh. I’m so sorry that you are here. I can’t believe your H invited you to a party with OW present. Is your H in IC?
It is great that you’ve set some goals you want to achieve. But why not make them smaller? Ex: I will not initiate contact with H today or I will go out and have lunch with friends and not think about H for 2 hours. Take baby steps. It takes awhile to achieve detachment, and even if you do, there will still be ups and downs. So don’t blame yourself for a few bad nights.
Most importantly, if you feel the need to fire off an email or get something off your chest, come here first. Lots of vets give great advice. You are not alone.
Thanks Wooba, and others. Yeah... introducing me to the young girl he was sleeping with... that is a low blow. He has gone to counseling on and off. Either his IC is a crazy person or H was hearing what he wants to hear because he says things to me like "She (IC) said it was okay to lie about the affair, that it would only hurt you if you knew. She said I needed time to figure out what I want and that it was better to just not say anything to anyone until I figured it out." or "She (IC) said I have to be true to myself no matter what and that sometimes doing that might hurt other people. But that I am not responsible for how you (wife) feel. You are responsible for how you feel." I can't comprehend statements like that. Did she really tell him it was okay to be intimate with two people, at least one of whom had no idea the other existed? Are my young children responsible for how they feel too? Please someone tell me if *I* am the crazy one here?
Small goals. Ok. And yes more goals that are just about me-- someone suggested that. I know I need to get to that. Right now I am just trying to manage one day at a time. I did get through an entire day (yesterday) without crying or emailing H! And today I am going to a water aerobics class so that is something for me!
Thank you all. I wish I could have each and every one of you sitting around in my living room drinking hot tea.
Hi, Belleva. Wow, just reading your recap there, so many things stood out as similar in my sitch, my H suddenly proclaiming he's always lived his life for others, always done what I wanted to do, was pretending to be someone else just to make me happy, etc. I mean, I've read echoes of it all over here, too, but from time to time the doubts creep in, the questions everyone here seems to have at some point (Did I miss something? Should I have known he was feeling this way? Was he really feeling this way for most of our R?). I didn't pull out the box of letters and read them to him, miraculously, but I did at one point read them to myself and was like, oh, right, I really don't think he was faking all of this!
I'm nearly nine months in now and moved from the Newcomers board to the MLC board, because I think H is at least MLC-adjacent, and I just wanted send you support and say I would love to share some tea with you!
My H has been in IC pretty much since this started, and he doesn't share really any of it with me, but from some things he's said, I assume he will hear what he wants to hear from IC until he has a more open mind and heart and is ready to grapple with the stuff that's going on inside him, rather than focus more on the external factors he connects to his unhappiness. Others can weigh in here, but I guess some ICs are less invested in M than others. But when our Hs are in a state where they're already using everything they can to justify their actions, I don't think it's a stretch to think they'll take the statement about feelings, for example, and hear: You can do whatever you want without guilt, because, ultimately, your wife is going to feel what she feels!
One day at a time is good. Good for you for not emailing H yesterday! And water aerobics sounds like fun. Is it something you've just taken up recently?
One thing I’m really struggling with right now is should I be NC or not? Lots of you on here are very much in contact with your spouse. Some of you are sharing a home in the midst of everything. My H may be mostly possessed by aliens but his inner people pleaser/ nice guy is still there too. Right now he says he is confused, scared, conflicted, doesn’t know what he wants etc. etc. But that he desperately wants us to be friends. That he can’t bear it if we can’t be friends. He wants to do “normal” things again. And believe me I so desperately want those things too. I hate the silence of being alone in the house after my kiddos are in bed. I hate feeling so alone. There was crazy hysterical bonding in the first couple of weeks after the affair was discovered. And I devoured it like a big chocolate cake. He seemed more like himself than in so long and my heart melted. The conversations, the affection, the tenderness. Oh I wanted it to mean everything was okay, we are okay, everything will be okay. But it didn’t mean any of that. He’s still a confused, jumbled alien and not at all 100% committed to working on our marriage. Having realized that, I am not sure if spending time with him is a good idea. (Obviously he should see and spend time with his children.) Us playing like we are friends eases his guilt. And it seems to me keeps him from really having to confront what has happened or feel the consequences of what it means to live a life apart. I don’t want to be just friends. Ever. I don’t know what to do.
He sent an email asking to come over tonight. To have family dinner. To watch tv. To spend time together after kiddos are in bed. To talk a little. (He listed all of those things off in the email.) I did not respond. He called after he left the office. I did not pick up. I just kept reading here. I would love to see him. I am angry and hurt but I miss him. Maybe being here helps him see what he is losing. Or maybe it just eases his guilt. I don’t know. Since my normal response would be “Yes, of course. Come home. Let me make you some dinner. Bring your laundry. I’ll take care of that too.”... since that would be my normal response I wonder if doing the opposite is what I should do now. As much for me as anything else. Because I am nowhere near detached.
(Note: He is still very adamant that he has ended the affair. That it was WRONG and that whatever happens with our marriage, he knows as long as we are married, there cannot be a third person in any of this. Can I be sure he is telling the truth? Of course not. He also says he has not seen any of the “young crowd” since the day I confronted him about the affair. That his life this past month has been work, here at home in the evenings when I’ve let him be here and sitting alone in his sad little apartment.)
DBing usually says to accept some invitations and be too busy to accept others. Keep the focus on you. I suppose in a way the confusion and ambivalence we feel mirrors the confusion and ambivalence of our spouses. DB also says to believe none of what they say and half of what they do, so tread cautiously even if he says he's finished with the A. Even if he has he still needs to heal, to look inside himself at why he did such an awful thing, and what needs fixing within to make sure he can have a healthy R. Being warm and friendly but detached is your best bet while he does this. And moving on with your life! Set yourself goals which have nothing to do with him, do stuff which makes you happy. If he wants to come along for the ride in the future then he'll have to catch up. The LBS ends up being the healthier one because we haven't run away from pain and tried to bury ourselves in an A, we've grieved and grown and taken control of our lives and we will be ok no matter what.
Belle, I’m sorry you’re here with us... however, you’ll quickly find the support here is unreal and so helpful. I too M my H out of high school and have only ever been with him. So many questions, so much fear and so much hurt will continue to come. The spiralling at the beginning of this is the worst and my heart hurts for you knowing what that all felt like for me only 6 months ago. It does get better and just different. You will feel like you are on a rollercoaster ride from H*LL, the only way to begin to help yourself is to choose to step off H’s rollercoaster of emotions. Easier said than done but ask advice of the veterans on here and they will be very giving of their time, experience and most of all patience. Please take care of yourself and know that you are never alone. (((Hugs)))
Hi All. It has been a quiet few days. As someone wisely advised- doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. My emotions are still all over the place. I am trying to rein them in. I recognize I have a lot of work to do. (And still a lot of reading to do!) I am nowhere near detached. So I did not respond to or accept H's request to see me Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday. This really made him panic and call and text and email. Today I relented. In part because the kiddos are here and he should see them. In part because I actually felt a little joy today. I smiled more than in a long time. And so I thought I was possibly strong enough to handle seeing him. I splashed in the water at the wellness center and giggled with the old ladies in the shower room after. It was fun. He came home after work. We all had dinner. He helped get the kids to bed. Then we did our thing- the thing we've always done. We laid in bed with our heads on the pillows. This is how we always ended the day. We had some small talk. I could feel my protective shell getting weaker. I got more anxious. He asked me to tell him my thoughts. To tell him anything. I stayed silent. I tried to remind myself that guilt (his guilt) is not commitment. Or remorse. I know (thanks to you wise people) that I can't push. Or say anything about the R. or the OW. Since the bomb- the day I confronted him about the affair- we've both clung to the pillow ritual. We hold hands, we wrap our legs around each other. I put my head on his shoulder. We've done that in the wake of this thing, this awful thing. But not tonight. There was maybe six or eight inches between us and it might as well have been a million miles. I don't know what he was thinking. I was just thinking "you lied. and cheated. you detonated a bomb in the middle of our lives. all of us." In fact he was recounting the political news of the day. And telling me about work meetings and applicants to the program he supervises at the university and I didn't hear much at all because I just kept thinking "you lied. and you cheated. you are a liar and a cheater."
And at some point I jumped up and said "I should go out with the dogs. You should probably get going." And that was that. And then I cried like a baby. (Having not cried for may days now!)
He has to figure it out on his own. I know that intellectually. I do. But oh how it hurts. Oh how it hurts.
Someone on here directed me to another webpage. She really helped me understand the affair. Again intellectually. Because I really don't think there is any excuse for crossing that line. And I don't honestly know if I can make peace with it. Not that he's currently asking me to do that.
It is a busy week and for that I am grateful.
Last edited by job; 03/03/2001:32 PM. Reason: removed another site name not related to DB
Can you explain this to me? How do you understand it now?
I struggle with this because I do not think affairs are something to be understood. They are wrong. They are the worst thing we can do to another human-being. So I am interested in what understanding you gained.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We do not go in-depth about affairs because our goal here to help those who come here to heal, to find themselves and begin to grow and learn how to live again.
Some affairs happen because the person is broken inside, not happy w/themselves, think the grass is greener on the other side, feels lost/confused and needs their egos stroked. Some affairs are used to exist a relationship because the person can't or won't end it themselves, but hope that their spouses will kick them out and file for divorce. Some people have affairs because of the excitement of having a secret between two people. Whatever the reason, affairs are wrong. There is truly no justification for going out there and having an affair. If someone is thinking of having an affair, they should end their relationship/marriage and then consider what their next choices are.
If the two parties should decide to try to reconcile after one person has had an affair, it's going to be a lot of hard work. Why? Because the spouse who had the affair will need to end the affair, become transparent in all that he/she does, and most importantly earn the trust of the other spouse. It takes a long time for someone to get over a spouse having an affair.
Sure, it's good to have a better understanding of why affairs take place, but the bottom line is communication between two people. If someone isn't happy in the relationship, then they need to speak up, not go out there and have an affair. Relationships are work and usually someone seeking an affair wants to take the easy road to "maybe an affair will make me happy". It's someone new and exciting and not the usual routine w/my spouse. Bottom line, the euphoric feeling of having an affair will eventually burn out and then what? Some have lost the respect of their spouses, family and friend divorce is on the horizon. My hat is off to anyone that can reconcile after an affair and get passed it and make a new marriage...but I would venture to say that the spouse that was left behind, will be watching for any signs that a new affair has begun for quite some time.
As I stated above, a relationship recovering from an affair will take a lot of work, honesty and trust to make it work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
