Help with WW #2

[OS2]

Wow, thank you so much Sandi2 (and Steve85/AnotherStander/LH19), you've really hit several nails on the head. I think you're absolutely right about time to heal. I've been thinking ever since I found out about it all that it was moving quickly but I was so urged to try and fix everything and overrun with emotion I didn't want to slow things down. Now I do and I think I'm working through feelings for the long term. I figured we could work through all of that together but I don't want to store up any long term problems, it's a lot to deal with. For the last 3 months I've been reading relationship advice books and focusing on how to be a better husband (which is good self development, but quite ridiculous given the circumstances when the other partner isn't ready for commitment). I think my emotions took over and I was indirectly (and probably directly) pressuring her to come back which didn't help. W also thinks I like having control in the M so having me uninterested is a bit of a 360.

I've thought from the very beginning that some of the advice on here is very good and some of it is over the top and thought "well our M is a bit different, because my W is trying and some of these rules could be for stronger cases" but I've had to learn the hard way that I should have been stronger, more objective and not so empathetic from the start. When she came back but didn't hold up transparency I've developed that strength now. She's sending me messages saying she wants to come home, missed calls etc. but the space is actually doing me good now, and if she reaches a stage when she is properly engaged I'll be better for it. I actually don't want the WW back, I want the W I married back and feel I've got to wait for that to appear again before I'll be interested in working on it together.

Given the situation, W's said before she'd 'like to go back to the dating stage'. I don't know whether she is trying to say less commitment than a M? Or less pressure? If she was as interested as she was when we were dating I'd be willing to give that a go. As you say I'll know when I see it. She's trying to get reactions from me and volunteering to do things for me.

Did she start the R talk or did you?

She did. I'm not talking any R now or conditions or R. At all. I've said all I need to say anyway. We've spent weeks talking about those things too on and off (initiated on both sides).

it's all about her happiness. That is her top priority, and she thinks making her happy should be your number one priority, too. Nothing can compare with the selfishness and sense of entitlement, quite like the WW.

This is exactly it. So many times she's said "I just want to be happy".

I think the toughest part for you will be no conversations with her.

This is difficult, because she rings or messages and I feel rude if I see it and don't respond but I genuinely am quite busy.

the transparency is not just so that you can keep track of her activity. If she is honestly working through her withdrawal stage of ending her affair, being transparent will work to support her. Knowing that you can see, can help her stay honest.

I didn't think of it from that angle but it's an important point. I actually don't really want to pry into her conversations with friends. She thinks I want to be checking up on her all the time but as I've told her when we were discussing R early on, it's more a display that she's got nothing to hide. Being accountable keeping her on the straight and narrow is important though too.

The weakness in all my DB'ing is that I want to believe her that the A is history/didn't mean anything, and she wants to get the M back on track but is struggling emotionally, but I have to keep reminding myself she is a WW and if her actions are confusing it's because she is a WW. When she came to collect her stuff (day after moving out and 24hr NC) she said she was willing for total transparency etc and to make it work. But she said in return she'd want to not talk about the past at all (apart from in MC) and move on, and a few other things she wanted. I think we both need more time, but I'm conscious I don't want to miss the right time to R.