innocence shattered, the bomb

[belleva]

Hi All. It has been a quiet few days. As someone wisely advised- doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. My emotions are still all over the place. I am trying to rein them in. I recognize I have a lot of work to do. (And still a lot of reading to do!) I am nowhere near detached. So I did not respond to or accept H's request to see me Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday. This really made him panic and call and text and email. Today I relented. In part because the kiddos are here and he should see them. In part because I actually felt a little joy today. I smiled more than in a long time. And so I thought I was possibly strong enough to handle seeing him. I splashed in the water at the wellness center and giggled with the old ladies in the shower room after. It was fun. He came home after work. We all had dinner. He helped get the kids to bed. Then we did our thing- the thing we've always done. We laid in bed with our heads on the pillows. This is how we always ended the day. We had some small talk. I could feel my protective shell getting weaker. I got more anxious. He asked me to tell him my thoughts. To tell him anything. I stayed silent. I tried to remind myself that guilt (his guilt) is not commitment. Or remorse. I know (thanks to you wise people) that I can't push. Or say anything about the R. or the OW. Since the bomb- the day I confronted him about the affair- we've both clung to the pillow ritual. We hold hands, we wrap our legs around each other. I put my head on his shoulder. We've done that in the wake of this thing, this awful thing. But not tonight. There was maybe six or eight inches between us and it might as well have been a million miles. I don't know what he was thinking. I was just thinking "you lied. and cheated. you detonated a bomb in the middle of our lives. all of us." In fact he was recounting the political news of the day. And telling me about work meetings and applicants to the program he supervises at the university and I didn't hear much at all because I just kept thinking "you lied. and you cheated. you are a liar and a cheater."

And at some point I jumped up and said "I should go out with the dogs. You should probably get going." And that was that. And then I cried like a baby. (Having not cried for may days now!)

He has to figure it out on his own. I know that intellectually. I do. But oh how it hurts. Oh how it hurts.

Someone on here directed me to another webpage. She really helped me understand the affair. Again intellectually. Because I really don't think there is any excuse for crossing that line. And I don't honestly know if I can make peace with it. Not that he's currently asking me to do that.

It is a busy week and for that I am grateful.