So here's where I'm at: H and I are together but it's fragile. And the fragility at this time has a lot to do with our business working together. I came into this thing (in an industry I previously did not belong to) and I put my own money into it because I wanted to be supportive as H started the business, and then later I wanted to find a growth point for myself in this industry since I was many years into it.
There were things that became flashpoints over the years:
1. H was good at the skill we needed for the business but he was not experienced at being an entrepreneur, leader, business manager, or financial manager. I wasn't the most experienced at the start either, but I worked previously in jobs that involved these things, so I took it upon myself to handle these things rather than just let our finances run amok. At the same time, I've been trying to get him to improve in these areas. But whenever I try to get him to be more responsible financially and build himself as a leader, he is resistant, complains about not being able to "be himself" and do things "his way," and instead blames me for not letting him learn things the "hard" way. It frustrates me that instead of focusing on learning he reverts to blame. I also find it a little unrealistic to let him "fail" and "learn" on his own terms with our business and our personal finances all at stake.
2. H is sometimes not a great judge of character, and he does not know how to handle different kinds of people. This has been difficult because he does not want to "manage" the staff under him (because staff can get difficult to manage), and instead will escape to his "enabler" friends who are very obviously charlatans but massage his ego. He keeps giving them access to our business, or hangs out with them and lets them reinforce his thinking. On the other hand, our own staff need a leader, and he is often absent and then gets frustrated when they act exactly as you would expect people who aren't guided by a leader would act. He blames them rather than looks at what he can do to better guide and lead them. Even though I worry about the long-term impact this will have on our team, I cannot step in because then he sees it as overstepping on his territory.
3. I started to naturally build a name myself in our industry over the years, and I really think he didn't like it. There were some aspects that I would do learn and adapt to faster than he would, and I think he didn't like it at all. I'm obviously not trying to be better than him, I'm just trying to be better because it's important for me to constantly grow as a person. I'm doing it for myself. And because he's a bit stubborn and insistent on doing things his own way, he tends to have a steeper learning curve just because of that. So it's now mutated into this thing where he doesn't want to see me as an equal partner, but rather someone in a supporting role only. I don't know what to do because I feel it's a betrayal to myself to try to make myself less just because he won't better himself and deal with his ego. And of course, as a result he doesn't affirm me, never tells me he's proud of me. It's sad for me because I would love for nothing more than for him to be proud of me, and I've expressed as much.
So given all this, why am I still here? Why have I not given up and walked out? Because there are days when he seems to come around, and he listens, and seems willing to grow. There are changes, though they are small and hard won each time. But then there are days he shuts down and it feels like we are back to square one. It's at such far ends of the spectrum that it's unbelievable sometimes.
On top of it all, what's given me pause is wondering if I want my life to be this way, where I feel unable to grow and excel and take charge, lest I be blamed for being domineering, bossy, and insensitive to him. I have a hard time reconciling this because I was taught that you should always work to better yourself, not pull other people down if they're getting better than you.
I do appreciate the advice of divorce busting, as the emergency measures did help, but I sometimes wonder if it applies to women who are ambitious and want to grow and learn? If you have to massage the man's ego all the time to keep the marriage happy, how is that good for me? I made the move to try to save our marriage twice already, but I wonder, does the advice here apply with my ideas of personal growth and well-being?
If anyone has any experience with this, would really appreciate it hearing your thoughts.
