I will be able to work on the resentment once I have a stable situation. Right now I am sacrificing time with my kids and money for no good reason. I feel now is not the time for me to work through my resentment.
I humbly and respectfully disagree with you, U. There will never be "the right time". Things will always be in flux. Life is inherently not stable.
I know you have to do what you have to do. And I also respect your feelings and your thoughts. It's that I don't see things the same way. Maybe it is because I was raised in a dysfunctional environment that developed in strikingly the same way yours is right now. I see the parallels and it is eerily familiar.
I know it is not the same, no two situations are. But I would not want any child to have to go through what me and my siblings went through. And the alarm bells were blaring when I read your post.
I wouldn't have said anything otherwise - and like I said, I know others will disagree with me. That's fine. It's my opinion, from personal experience - and I thought it remiss if I said nothing.
Originally Posted by unchien
As for putting the kids in the middle, I mean, I’m going to fight for 50-50. That is just the right thing to do. I’ve taken classes and read books on how to minimize the impact of divorce on my kids and I intend to do my part to do this right. However... the “easy” thing to do for my kids would be accept less time with them and continue to provide a soft landing for my W. I am not going to play along anymore. I empathize with how difficult this transition may be for my W, but I’m no longer accommodating a lousy situation.
I'm not suggesting you lay down and give up or roll over, here. You of course have to stand up and fight for what you believe. Absolutely 100 percent. I'm also not telling you to provide any soft landing for W. I'm simply suggesting you do not react with anger through your L when the process starts. Take your time, let the emotions settle, think about if there are other options with your L. Knee jerk reactions here can have lifelong consequences.
Devils advocate here - you say you want 50/50. Assuming mediation is exactly what it's definition is, and a compromise solution is offered, would 40/60 be acceptable? Or is it worth fighting back and forth in court and potentially alienating your kids in that process for that extra 10 percent?
That's a real world scenario that actually happened in my life. My F fought for full custody, got 25/75, then M fought for more CS, then more custody, then full custody, then F fought for less CS and more tax deductions, then more custody then my M took F to court for failure to pay extra CS, then M put us in and took us out of IC, then F refused...etc etc etc ad nauseum. For almost 10 years this went on, who knows how many tens of thousands of dollars wasted, not to mention damage to all of us kids.
By the time it was all said and done, and the situation had "stabilized", 2 of us had grown up and moved out, the third was in third year of HS. And none of us wanted anything to do with our parents.
