Gift #3

[IronWill]

I used to have an analogy that my W leaving our MR was like a rocket ship launching into orbit. And she needed fuel for her launch. Everything became fuel for her anger.

I feel now like I am building my own rocket ship. And I am finding my own fuel. I don't feel good about it. But I must build this rocket.

I have so many strong conflicting feelings. Confidence and strength about doing what I think is right. But also aggravation and anger.

Hey U - sorry you are having to deal with all of this. It [censored] - there's no 2 ways about it.

Many people here are going to disagree with what I post next. But it is the way I try to look at things. Note that I say "try" because I am not always successful at doing it. It is always a work in progress.

You do not have to build that rocket. You do not need to find fuel for anger. Those are consequences of a decision you are making, a choice to handle this situation with anger.

It is ok to be angry. It is a perfectly natural reaction to all of our situations. It is good to find an outlet for that anger.

But please, PLEASE do not involve your kids in this - at all costs. Even if W is doing all kinds of crazy things on her end, YOU be the rock. Be the immovable steadiness of a mountain made of granite.

Is this easy? [Censored] no. It is the hardest thing in the world to do.

You cannot defeat anger and hate with more anger and hate. The only way you can defeat anger and hate is with love. As ridiculous as that sounds, and as much flak as I will take for saying that - find a way, whatever that way is, to not translate that anger to your kids.

Anger is a very powerful emotion and it can grab hold of you and never let go. That's not what you want to show your kids and that's not how you want to live the rest of your life.

But I don't know how I'm going to get over the resentment. Other than taking steps to move on with my life and living with the consequences of that. She is manipulative and controlling and entitled, and I have allowed it to go on. If I press back on anything... ANYTHING... she immediately alludes to her "concerns." I don't like saying those things (manipulative, controlling, entitled), I resist labeling people and pigeon-holing them in a box, but there... it's how I feel, I'm not going to deny it just to act as if I'm really good at DB'ing. I've "allowed" her to manipulate and control, yes, but I'm not going to take responsibility for her part in this. I'm tired of empathizing with her struggle. I don't care. My empathy account is drawn down. The past year plus has been absolute h3ll for me and it was not necessary.

This doesn't mean I won't be pleasant and neighborly in our interactions. I can do all that. That has not been a problem for me.

My kids may end up resenting me. They may drift apart. I can tell my 8 year old is on the path now towards no longer being that little boy. They may feel like I ruined their M's life. I can't control them, I can only be there for them in the best way that I can be, flawed and all. I'm not a perfect dad. Sometimes I feel like I'm not connecting with them. But I'm doing the best I can.

I hope this didn't come across as an angry diatribe. It helps to get this stuff out rather than bottle it in.

It is ok to vent. Again, this is perfectly normal. None of us haven't felt what you feel at one point or another.

As far as resentment goes, the way you get over it is you choose to.

You choose to forgive your W. Even if you never say it out loud. You choose to forgive yourself for what has happened. And you let go of that rope. Let W go live her life. That's what she wants, right?

I wish I had more concrete advice but the particulars are up to you. And you CAN do this. Look how far you've come already.

Take care of yourself, man - and stay strong