Out of curiosity, (purely hypothetically) if she *was* telling the truth would anything about my DB'ing be different? She says EA/PA before Christmas. Decided it was a bad idea and called it off, remained friends. Felt pretty pleased with herself that she ended it herself. Probably IMs OM a few times a week, doesn't see any harm in that and thinks he is unimportant and main problem is feels confused/can't get the spark back with H and M.
There are so many things I wanted to respond to while reading your threads, I don't know where to start. As the LBH, you have been very focused on her connection to OM. What I've seen happen in so many other cases, is the H is completely focused on just getting his W to end her A and move back home. Then after she moves back, he realizes he did not take time to heal. He begins to feel a lot of resentment for the things his W did, which makes it difficult when they are "piecing". For example, if you thought you had forgiven her for getting pregnant by another man, having an abortion and continuing on with OM..........it just might come back to fester in your heart. IDK........it's just an example.
Throughout both threads, I've seen your WW lie, betray, deceive, temp check, etc. There is no "formal" way to end an affair. It has to be killed in it's tracks. Every time she gives life to it, then it's not dead. It works just like a drug user. She has to go cold turkey b/c there is no tapering off, no last meeting, no going to OM's house, etc. The WW does not go from an affair with OM to just being "friends"........as if to suggest her H would be okay with them being friends. Her H should be insulted that she thinks he is that stupid.
As a former WW, I see no signs that your W isn't serious about reconciliation, which means, she certainly is not serious about doing the necessary work ahead. Don't let her come back, until that wayward spirit is broken. She is playing games, and she's playing you. She has made the usual WW statements. This entire situation has nothing to do with her trusting you. Don't ever forget it. She is the one who betrayed, lied, committed adultery, ect. I don't know what may have happened in past times, but if you didn't cheat on her.........then you can't compare apples with oranges. Make sense? She is the one who has to humbly apologize. Not this business of, "I just don't know if I can trust you or if you would ever forgive me". No.....that doesn't cut it. She should be so torn up that she can't look at you, and she certainly shouldn't feel she deserves forgiveness. She should show deep remorse for her unfaithfulness and the personal pain she caused you. There should be no hint of justification or pride. She doesn't get to dangle you at the end of the rope, while she makes up her mind if she wants to give you another chance to make her happy. You see, in her viewpoint, it's all about her happiness. That is her top priority, and she thinks making her happy should be your number one priority, too. Nothing can compare with the selfishness and sense of entitlement, quite like the WW.
So, here are my suggestions. Stop having talks with her. Stop agreeing to have meet ups and luncheons/dinners. Stop repeating your stipulations for reconciliation. At this point, she knows what you want, and there is nothing else to discuss. She wants your availability, and that's why she makes these excuses to talk. Stop giving her your time & attention. Don't explain anything, just stop. She'll know why, but she'll play stupid, b/c she wants to get you into another long drawn out conversation. Remember, don't explain what you are doing, or why you are doing it. If she invites you to meet with her, just tell her you have nothing more to discuss. I mean, you don't have to see how ugly or rude you can tell her, but you might have to be firm, if she's not use to being told "no".
Here's the thing, you are going to have to dump her. It's the last thing the WW expects! The WW wants to keep her LBH's availability. She wants his friendship........but she doesn't want to be lovers with him. She keeps playing you, to keep you as her backup plan. You are so emotionally attached to her, it's hard for you to see clearly. You need to intentionally pull back and give both of you space, while you focus on the things that you enjoy. You have self respect, moral integrity, standards, dignity, etc., and you live your life based on the values that been instilled in you. When you feel yourself consumed by emotions, you need something bigger/stronger to guide you through. So, if you must, you can tell her that you need some space and time, but don't share with her everything you are learning from us.
This will throw her into more pursuit, and she'll probably temp check to gauge your emotional attachment to her. When you don't fall for it, then she'll get mad. So what! Let her get mad. Now, your first thought may be, "But won't this push her further away?" Don't you want her back, only if she cuts all contact (direct and indirectly) with OM, and is seriously remorseful and ready to commit to doing whatever it takes to save the M? Things usually get worse before they get better, and frankly, I don't think they've reached that point yet, b/c she's still playing footsie with OM. Detaching will help you see things with a clearer head.
Stop sharing a calendar with her! She fired you as her H, so she doesn't get to see your activity plans. You don't discuss your plans or anything else with her. Okay?
You are worried since there are no children that it will be a disadvantage, however, the WW doesn't let children stand in her way.......so don't fret over no kids.
I think the toughest part for you will be no conversations with her. Like many, you see the importance of healthy communication. However, you cannot talk a WW back into the M. You can't nice her back, either. Just to clarify, you don't need to tell her you are dumping her. Simply start conducting yourself as if you are. Break yourself from old habits, like responding to her text messages. You have nothing else to say. Trust me when I say that when she believes you are done, and she believes she's lost you, the more likely she'll get serious about saving her MR.........she will have a completely different attitude, and she will agree to your terms of reconciliation. It's not about her terms, b/c she was unfaithful, and there should be no leeway for her stubbornness or pride. If you see it, then she's not a point of humility.
Oh, BTW, before I forget to tell you........the transparency is not just so that you can keep track of her activity. If she is honestly working through her withdrawal stage of ending her affair, being transparent will work to support her. Knowing that you can see, can help her stay honest. I know, if she wants to cheat, she'll find a way. If she wants to work on her MR, and if she has nothing to hide......she'll be glad for you to see her clean record. The WW whines about not having privacy. Why does she need privacy from her H? That's the problem. When she has secret or exclusive relationships.....friendships.....communications........it invites trouble into the MR. So many people today are addicted to several means of private communications, so naturally, they don't want to give it up. Since when was it alright to have private/secret relationships with the opposite sex? I think it's safe to say, if this situation was reversed, she'd have a fit if she caught you in an inappropriate relationship. That's another one of those things about the WW that makes you go........"hum".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You see, in her viewpoint, it's all about her happiness. That is her top priority, and she thinks making her happy should be your number one priority, too. Nothing can compare with the selfishness and sense of entitlement, quite like the WW. 