^^^ I have to agree with Steve. I understand you love your H, but he is no prize. I think you can do much better than 2x cheater and master manipulator.
"I understand how you feel, you've stated that multiple times. I feel obligated to point out that I am not wanting any of this, I am the one trying to hold everything together, and you are the one insisting on S and/or D. However, if that is what you want then I will give it to you as I am powerless to stop it if it is what you want. However, I do have to protect and look out for myself if you insist."
I wanted to validate.. truly... but he really wasn't looking at me. He was moving around. And, I was afraid of saying something that would come out as a disagreement. But, I really wanted to say --- I'm not the one wanting this... we DO NOT have to get D.
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WASs and WSs in particular are masters at turning things around and making themselves the victim in these things. I see so much of that behavior in him. That is probably why he came back in to tell you about the garbege. "See how great I am! Even though I am the victim, you are trying to take me for everything, and you won't even clean the spare bedroom out for me, I am STILL nice enough to purchase a new kennel, bring the new dog in, and take out the garbage!"
I think it is to assuage his guilt.
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SICKENING. Why are you trying to save things with this person?
Because I look at him and see his hurt. I see the role I played in creating that hurt. I see him reaching out to me just 4 weeks ago ---- trying to get that connection again. Where was my head???? In my own insecurities and short comings NOT his... MINE.... :-(
Because I love him. He has his faults and days I wanted to pull out my hair but he is a good man. And, outside of what he is doing currently I respect him.
But, so long as he is leaning on this group of friends, who do not know me and buzzing in his ear that he has put up with too much for too long and why did he stay this long??? This same group is who seeing him with his A and pouring all of himself into that and not saying --- hey, what's up with this???
Steve85 I do not want to walk away from his man. I'm struggling stopping my behaivors that are seen as chasing and pleading. I'm trying to remove pressure from him. I'm trying to act as if... but also standing up for what I feel needs to be fair in separation.
^^^ I have to agree with Steve. I understand you love your H, but he is no prize. I think you can do much better than 2x cheater and master manipulator.
But, isn't that part of his dissatisfaction and unhappiness in the M? I know exactly what he is doing and why. While not on purpose I've left him feeling so empty for so long of course he let a supportive listening friend that he leaned on to much to develop into something it shouldn't.
He is the responsible party in that but I too bear some responisbility -- not meeting his needs and even when he expressed that to him it seemed to fall on deaf ears.
Now he is all focused on the drive and how much it is killing him.
I wish he would have just come home one day and said - its moving to X or we D... I would have packed my bags in 30seconds.
KC, you have to stop making excuses for him. It is NEVER okay (short of adultery or physical abuse) to pull the plug on a MR, and to start an A. NEVER. Even if you were the worst W in the history of MR, he took vows of "for better or for worse" and therefore his energy should have been in doing his part to work on MR. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.
Good men do not leave their wives and start As. Sorry, I ain't buying that. We've been down that path before. Start moving on with your life, you cannot "fix" him.
Wanted to address this: As far as your wedding ring, why are you taking it off? You are still married. After you are no longer married then you can remove your ring.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
^^^ I have to agree with Steve. I understand you love your H, but he is no prize. I think you can do much better than 2x cheater and master manipulator.
But, isn't that part of his dissatisfaction and unhappiness in the M? I know exactly what he is doing and why. While not on purpose I've left him feeling so empty for so long of course he let a supportive listening friend that he leaned on to much to develop into something it shouldn't.
He is the responsible party in that but I too bear some responisbility -- not meeting his needs and even when he expressed that to him it seemed to fall on deaf ears.
Now he is all focused on the drive and how much it is killing him.
I wish he would have just come home one day and said - its moving to X or we D... I would have packed my bags in 30seconds.
If that was part of dissatisfaction and unhappiness in M then 100% of MR would end in one partner cheating. No, that is not part of that. There is no perfect spouse, that doesn't give the other spouse an excuse to lie and cheat.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KC, you have to stop making excuses for him. It is NEVER okay (short of adultery or physical abuse) to pull the plug on a MR, and to start an A. NEVER. Even if you were the worst W in the history of MR, he took vows of "for better or for worse" and therefore his energy should have been in doing his part to work on MR. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.
Good men do not leave their wives and start As. Sorry, I ain't buying that. We've been down that path before. Start moving on with your life, you cannot "fix" him.
Wanted to address this: As far as your wedding ring, why are you taking it off? You are still married. After you are no longer married then you can remove your ring.
Steve85 --- aren't the majority of women here trying to save their M have H's in A's??? and yet some get through to the other side?
As for the ring... because he took his off 3 weeks ago. Is seeing me with mine on more pressure??
I foolishly asked where the his ring was. H said it was the same place its been for 3 weeks. I said where is that? H said on his key ring. Honestly I thought it would be in a drawer somewhere. He isn't wearing it but he is carrying it everywhere. When he is in the his truck with her... its on the keyring.... Interesting. Surprised by that but I shouldn't have asked.
I think it is not totally wrong for you to look back and see what your missteps were in the M. But you are not the only one to blame. He has his fair share also, don’t forget that. I agree with what Steve said, whatever you did wrong, is no justification for his behavior. Yes, he is hurt....but so are you. Take care of yourself first before thinking about his pain.
About the ring- my H doesn’t wear his. I was so angry after BD so I took it off. Then later he threw a tantrum about me taking my ring off, saying that it was the only little hope he had left of our M (which was totally nuts because he still did not have his ring on). Anyways, later I decided to put it back on not for him, but because I’m choosing to stand for our M and I am still married. (Plus it’s pretty). Don’t worry about what your H thinks. You do things for YOU.
I think it is not totally wrong for you to look back and see what your missteps were in the M. But you are not the only one to blame. He has his fair share also, don’t forget that. I agree with what Steve said, whatever you did wrong, is no justification for his behavior. Yes, he is hurt....but so are you. Take care of yourself first before thinking about his pain.
About the ring- my H doesn’t wear his. I was so angry after BD so I took it off. Then later he threw a tantrum about me taking my ring off, saying that it was the only little hope he had left of our M (which was totally nuts because he still did not have his ring on). Anyways, later I decided to put it back on not for him, but because I’m choosing to stand for our M and I am still married. (Plus it’s pretty). Don’t worry about what your H thinks. You do things for YOU.
I'm tired... I will have to go home at lunch and see he is in the other bedroom.
Last time we had troubles he really talked with me.. I was his support system... he leaned on me. He even said at times I was pushing him away by contacting so much so I did pull back and things got on track... How foolish was I not to see him struggling with his own self worth when I pulled away due to mine.
This time he has other people to confide in... other support that is pushing him to end it and find his happiness again without me. I know I cannot compete in that world. He feels I lost interest in him and that is compounded with tons of support in his decision to end the M.
I'm exhausted, worn out, beat up.
But, then I see him. He sits without emotion and trying to work through our financial issues... this is the man that I love but sometimes don't always like. I feel nothing but support and compassion and a want to be by his side.
KC, you have to stop making excuses for him. It is NEVER okay (short of adultery or physical abuse) to pull the plug on a MR, and to start an A. NEVER. Even if you were the worst W in the history of MR, he took vows of "for better or for worse" and therefore his energy should have been in doing his part to work on MR. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.
Good men do not leave their wives and start As. Sorry, I ain't buying that. We've been down that path before. Start moving on with your life, you cannot "fix" him.
Wanted to address this: As far as your wedding ring, why are you taking it off? You are still married. After you are no longer married then you can remove your ring.
Steve85 --- aren't the majority of women here trying to save their M have H's in A's??? and yet some get through to the other side?
Yes. And the advice is all the same. Move on. GAL. 180. Detach. Don't share a MBR. Ask him to leave the house. Certainly do not have sex with him (never have sex with someone actively in an A). Talk to a lawyer. Don't start R. Stop trying to save the MR. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
As far as him taking his ring off. Who cares? He's having an affair, does that mean you should have one too? Two wrongs do not make a right. Stick to your core values no matter what values he has let go of.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
"I understand how you feel, you've stated that multiple times. I feel obligated to point out that I am not wanting any of this, I am the one trying to hold everything together, and you are the one insisting on S and/or D. However, if that is what you want then I will give it to you as I am powerless to stop it if it is what you want. However, I do have to protect and look out for myself if you insist."
^^^^This IS DBing.
Less words, bigger impact:
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"I understand how you feel, you've stated that multiple times. You are the one insisting on S and/or D, not I. I am powerless to stop it. I believe D is not a solutions to our problems. However, I do have to protect and look out for myself. Excuse me I have things to do."
Puppydogtails was the master here. He would practice things he wanted to say, over and over, until he had the right volume, tone, inflections and body language.
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SICKENING. Why are you trying to save things with this person?
Love the person, hate the behavior.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
