I'm feeling better after I slept on it. To be honest the hit to my ego was pretty hard. And that was the bulk of it. I know logically the break up with OW was recent he's still not himself. There's still detox or withdrawal or whatever. I know logically A or no A he's going through something and I'm still, in his mind, the problem. But being shown not just told "I want us to bang and be best friends but I don't see any merit in this marriage" is just flabbergasting, and was a huge blow to all the self confidence I've been rebuilding. It really, really [censored] being nearly 37 and loving the hell out of someone who will go to extreme measures to not love you back. It has all that horrible desperation of having an unrequited love at 15 but the consequences here are so much bigger than a broken teenage heart. And it never ceases to amaze me that no matter how much you own yourself and let things roll off your back the person you love can say just a few words to you and make you feel so small.
We had no kids home Saturday and Sunday. Saturday we cuddled and had crazy no kids home sex. I'm sure that's what brought on his whole bringing up the apartment thing again just 4 days after asking to push it out. It's like he gets mad at himself if he lets himself get a little too close to me. I'm still very willing to let him go. The push pull is exhausting. Hiding the way I feel and being careful about what I say 24/7 is exhausting. I can't keep feeling exhausted forever. I guess I just let my hopes get up a little too high that maybe I'd get lucky and he'd keep pushing the move out date until he made up his mind and that would get us to June. And in either case, put the girls in a better position for the transition. It was just a reminder I guess that I can't control anything here.
He is running. And he's going to keep running. I just need to accept that he may never stop and turn around and look back, and there's not a single thing I can do if that's the path he's going to take. I need to accept that my fantasy of us coming out on the other side of this together is far narrower possibility than I let myself believe before. And I really need to accept that no matter how much I love him, some day, I'll get over him even it it wasn't as easily as he got over me.
