My L is on top of things and we have a mediation session Thursday. I have no idea which path things will take (i.e., whether mediation will even work). But I have a plan to stand up for what I want. The current situation must change and I can't keep waiting.
That being said... I feel like I have hit maximum frustration. I've been on DB forums for 10 months, I've learned how to manage my emotions, neither repressing them nor acting out on them. And I'm at this point where I am just p*ssed off the last few days. I'm not out-of-my-mind angry, but still... angry.
I used to have an analogy that my W leaving our MR was like a rocket ship launching into orbit. And she needed fuel for her launch. Everything became fuel for her anger.
I feel now like I am building my own rocket ship. And I am finding my own fuel. I don't feel good about it. But I must build this rocket.
I have so many strong conflicting feelings. Confidence and strength about doing what I think is right. But also aggravation and anger.
My son just turned 8. I barely saw him for his birthday. He is in therapy. My W has accused me of being the cause of his difficulties. He has a GPS tracking watch. She's living in a home I pay for and for some reason (possibly an OM, possibly her own internal fears) never wants to exchange the kids there. She doesn't work even though she rents office space. She paid for a house cleaner last week. I'm ticked off. I don't *like* being ticked off. I feel like I should have learned from DB by now how to manage that kind of feeling better.
I've read other people's sitches in my 10 months here. Sometimes I have been shocked by the anger and hurt -- "Why haven't they learned anything?" I sometimes thought.
Now I understand.
It's not a misogynistic anger. It's not blaming her for my problems. I allowed things to go on. I contributed to my MR erosion.
But I don't know how I'm going to get over the resentment. Other than taking steps to move on with my life and living with the consequences of that. She is manipulative and controlling and entitled, and I have allowed it to go on. If I press back on anything... ANYTHING... she immediately alludes to her "concerns." I don't like saying those things (manipulative, controlling, entitled), I resist labeling people and pigeon-holing them in a box, but there... it's how I feel, I'm not going to deny it just to act as if I'm really good at DB'ing. I've "allowed" her to manipulate and control, yes, but I'm not going to take responsibility for her part in this. I'm tired of empathizing with her struggle. I don't care. My empathy account is drawn down. The past year plus has been absolute h3ll for me and it was not necessary.
This doesn't mean I won't be pleasant and neighborly in our interactions. I can do all that. That has not been a problem for me.
My kids may end up resenting me. They may drift apart. I can tell my 8 year old is on the path now towards no longer being that little boy. They may feel like I ruined their M's life. I can't control them, I can only be there for them in the best way that I can be, flawed and all. I'm not a perfect dad. Sometimes I feel like I'm not connecting with them. But I'm doing the best I can.
I hope this didn't come across as an angry diatribe. It helps to get this stuff out rather than bottle it in.
