H popped in a couple times yesterday, engaged with me briefly, then said bye when he left, which is rare. It was nice to feel acknowledged in that basic way. I made orange shortbread cookies; since I’m thinking up ways to use all the fresh oranges gifted by a friend. It’s been windy, so I haven’t done much outside yet, but I did try starting some seeds inside. Kindly, I often wish it would snow here! But a thaw is on its way to you, spring is on the way.
These words May wrote to Wayfarer struck me this morning:
Originally Posted by may22
Know also that he may feel that he has done so much damage to your R that it is not fixable in his mind right now. I know my H has said this before too-- he can't imagine me ever forgiving him or him ever forgiving himself. There may be that element to it also.
And, your H has bought so deeply into the idea that your M was over that it might not be that easy for him to let go of it... in fact his ego may not let him. Think of it this way-- if his story is that your M wasn't working and wasn't fixable and he turned to the OW, it makes him less of a bad guy for cheating because well your M was doomed anyway. If he admits to himself that the M is fixable, then it makes everything he's done so, so much worse. So by maintaining he's going to leave is also kind of preserving his own sense of self and his vision of why he did what he did.
Still no idea if my H has ever had EA or PA, but during BD and November R talk he said that our marriage is unfixable, that others said that too, that his IC agreed (which I didn’t/don’t buy—he’s hearing what he wants or twisting her words somehow). In other words, he was seeking out reassurance and finding it wherever he needed to. Where he didn’t find it, he probably didn’t listen. So it wouldn’t surprise me if this was/is his mindset too. If it’s fixable, he is being a bit selfish, when he seemed to need to push back against that fear—not selfish, just finally putting himself first. And then in that R talk he seemed to contradict the unfixable pronouncement by acknowledging that I have changed, but he’s afraid if we tried he’d be hurt again, all of that stuff.
All of that seems quite common here. I’m wondering: How do any of these WAS change their perspectives? Obviously some do. We can’t do it for them. It seems a big factor is time—they need time and distance to perhaps begin to see possibility where they saw only justifications for their leaving before.
