W has been messaging tonight asking to see me tomorrow. I've told her I'll most likely be out but she can come and grab her things. Says she really misses me but is confused when we're together. Told her I need space to figure things out.
GOOD! That's a perfect response.
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W just called me and said she thought she needed space but misses me and is worried that I’ve said I need space. She said she felt pressured when she came back. Probably something I messed up. She said she might look at buying a house/renting as she can’t continue living at her mum’s. Obv isn’t ready to work on M but said doesn’t want to be left out in the cold.
This is how the distancer/ pursuer dynamic usually plays out. You pursue, she distances. But when you pull back and create some distance, then she starts pursuing. It's important to understand that she's still not ready to recon. She's getting there but you need to make it clear you are not just throwing the door open for her. I think you are doing a good job of that so far, so keep it up.
As far as being left out in the cold, she's trying to manipulate you into allowing her back on HER terms. Don't fall for it. Just listen and validate when she says these things. "That sounds difficult for you, I understand you're having a tough time and I hope it all works out." "So I can move back in?" "No, a lot would have to happen before I would ever consider that." "Like what?" "I don't want to discuss that until we are both ready to consider reconciling, and right now I am not and I don't think you are either."
