Thanks Jefe - and yes, you are absolutely right. He isn't an alcoholic, but when he does drink it seems to really amplify his negativity and nasty side. Most of the time when he drinks (which isn't every day) I am out GAL or in another room: I don't care to be around it. I should have made myself scarce as soon as I saw the state he was in. That's on me.
May - yes, I think this is a pretty severe setback and I am mainly okay with how I dealt with it. I didn't need to lie there and listen for an hour, and I won't do again - and I think the content of what he was saying was mainly self-pitying garbage and about his own insecurity rather than the facts of the situation. I asked him yesterday, very gently, if he'd been sitting downstairs worrying about the prospect of having to have sex with me (it isn't like we scheduled that, and I hadn't said anything that would have let him assume I expected it or would be angry if I didn't get it - this is all on him) and that's what had made him open the beer, and he said yes, he thought so. He didn't go into any more detail and I didn't push it. I don't like having to be his mind reader at the best of times. But with the history of our SSM and the ungracious ways I have dealt with rejection from him in the past, I can see why he's be anxious. I didn't validate him in that moment as I was still too furious but I wish I had now, as I do genuinely see why he'd be afraid.
I'm not sure I can do any of the things you suggest with his IC. He has stopped seeing her, but the rules of confidentiality and boundaries mean that she'd ever ever speak to me about him, or listen to me speak to her about him - it just wouldn't be appropriate. I think the ethics must work differently where you are as I've heard other US posters say similar things and been surprised by it. He sometimes blames me for him quitting therapy (apparently, months and months ago, I once mildly asked him to put his appointments on the family calendar so if he was expecting Eldest to look after Youngest while he was there, then we'd all know about that in advance rather than last minute chaos) and he uses that as a general excuse as to why I'm so unsupportive and he can't have his therapy. Or he said it is time for joint therapy (which he does want to go to and has been asking for for months) but we can't see his IC as he feels uncomfortable with me seeing her.
I am still taking my space. He's been working all weekend and I've been with the kids or GAL with friends. Things between us are fine - I hope he's mulling over the line I laid down in the sand.
