Pommy, because you were wondering about apologizing, I wanted to chime in and say I did write an apology letter with the help of my coach, which is something that isn’t really recommended here. Over the three months after BD, I really worked to understand H’s pain around the SSM, and I wanted to validate his feelings as I’d come to really consider them deeply, and I wanted to truly apologize for my part in it, without any defensiveness or explaining. I didn’t write it to try to change his mind. I gave it to him about four months in, and didn’t receive a response (unless you count the short letter he gave me a month later re-announcing his intention to file), but I don’t think I regret giving it to him. Still, I imagine it probably made him more angry/hurt, for all the reasons you and May write about. It gives me some hope to know that perhaps he may feel differently in the future, as others have. I probably put too much out there with my apology too soon—I really don’t think he was ready to read/hear it. Maybe it just fueled his drive to blame me for everything. But I don’t think it is always wrong to apologize for what you come to see as your contributions to the state of the M (probably more succinctly than I did. And who knows how he will feel about that apology in the future.
I’m also thankful for your post, Alison, because it gives me more insight into what his experience may have been. It also pains me greatly, because he never shared his feelings about the SSM with me until BD, and I was so much struggling with my own side of the SSM (which for me, also involved health issues), and did not realize how it was affecting him. He did bring it up rarely, and I responded by crying usually, because I felt a lot of shame and wanted things to change but didn’t know how. I still struggle with feeling guilty about not realizing he was hurting and building all this resentment, but I also know I couldn’t read his mind. I did the best I could at the time.
Scout, I think May was one of the women here who recommended Nagoski’s book—I started it, and I’m eager to read more of it.
I hope too much of this post isn’t hijacking your thread, Pommy! ((Pommy))
And who knows how he will feel about that apology in the future. 