1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[may22]

Alison,

This is so helpful to me. Thank you for sharing it. It jibes so closely with what my H has said, especially the part about betrayal, little droplets of betrayal over a long, long time. He said to me that the overwhelming feelings of betrayal and loss I'm experiencing right now, while so horrific and he's not trying to make excuses (even though he is)... he feels like it was what he had been getting through an IV over years and the total amount of feelings of betrayal, if it could be measured that way, might just be equivalent. There are many ways to betray your spouse and infidelity is just one of them. I know I betrayed our marital vows by turning away from him all those years, and though (like your H) I had a million reasons why in the moment, they mostly boiled down to excuses and I truly just didn't think it was all that big of a deal.

Now I have spent an enormous amount of time thinking about this and truly trying to get into the heart of why I felt this way. I read in a book how it can be common for the lower desire spouse to start to shy away from any physical touch, as it can be a shorthand for initiating sex... which completely hit home for me. I would flinch away at the slightest touch. Addressing this has been one of the most important parts for me personally in all of this, not just why I treated my H in that way, but why did I not feel desire. I have a lot of insight now into it and truly now feel like I'm in a very different place, having reconnected with myself as a woman rather than just seeing myself as an undesirable, slightly overweight baby/milk making machine. TBH, I have actually shared very little of what I've learned about myself through this process with H because every time I try he interprets it as an excuse. I think he's still just not ready to hear it as he's still hurt by it, and like you, probably wondering if it is real.

Pommy, sorry to hijack your thread, but I know you are in the same boat as me on this one. I think it is really helpful to understand a bit more of what is going on in our Hs head. And mine is probably more complicated on top of that because he then found someone who was soooooo sooooo into him and wanted to f him sideways every time she saw him, so hopefully it is probably going to be easier in the long run for your H to reengage with you than it was/will be for my H.