Pommy, May - I wonder if I might chime in here with some of my own experience that may or may not be useful to you guys in understanding what it is like to be the higher-desire partner in a SSM? Pommy - excuse me for chiming in here when I haven't before, and if anything I have to say isn't useful, please do just scroll down and disregard it.
Of the two of us, my H has always been the lower desire partner. And that was fine. But after the birth of Youngest, his desire just evaporated completely. And when we did get together, it was very sad for me, as it felt he was just 'doing his duty' and while I might have been physically fulfilled (he is unselfish in that way) I was not emotionally fulfilled as I didn't feel any desire from him, or that our time together was something he wanted, needed or even particularly enjoyed. It became less and less and I became more and more sad. Really, really, deep down sad. I felt rejected, unloved, humiliated and betrayed. I really did feel betrayed - as we couldn't talk about it, and when I raised the issue (and often I raised it when I was upset, and my wording was clumsy or harsh) he would basically say if I was a better housekeeper he'd have more desire, or if he had more time on his own he'd miss me more, or if I did x or y or z - and they were all, ultimately, excuses. On top of that, he'd start picking fights in the evenings, or sending me up to bed early, telling me he'd be up in half an hour, then staying up until the small hours until he was sure I was asleep. I knew exactly what was happening, raise it with him, and he denied it utterly and accused me of being needy and paranoid. I can't tell you how much of this broke my heart. If your top love language is physical touch and quality time, and those special times are pretty much absent from your marriage, it eats away at you. I remember even on happy days out I used to wonder why my H was with me - he'd be happy enough on an outing with the kids, but didn't want to be alone with me. I felt like the child-bearer and the wage packet, but nothing more. It was devastating.
Now, in my H's defence, I did not deal with this gracefully at all, and I can totally see how me being unhappy about the times we were together for him not showing enough enthusiasm would have made him self conscious, felt upset, and given him anxiety and resentment. I can see that the more sad about it I got, the more avoidant he became. There's a lot I find difficult to accept about my H's behaviour, but in this, I can see his point of view and feel a lot of compassion for him - and for both of us. So I am not coming here to share my experience in order to shame you ladies. Only to let you know from the other side what it might feel like.
Another thing that might be interesting to look up is the term 'hysterical bonding' which is what happens sometimes after an EA or PA is disclosed. H and I had that - for about three months - after I discovered him in an EA. It was a strange time, and looking back, I think extremely unhealthy. When that all faded away - as it must - I remember feeling rejected and unloved all over again. He thought things were getting back to normal and we were leaving painful times behind us, and I felt he'd been faking his desire in order to keep me in the marriage, and now some time had passed he was returning to his cold and uninterested self. I was terribly hurt about it, and since then it has been extremely difficult for me to feel trusting enough to want to be enthusiastically close to him in that way. There are lots of other factors with us, and of course every couple is different, but these days I am almost suspicious of his desire and I think that's understandable on my part.
Anyway - please do ignore any of this if it isn't useful.
