Mumin, a thought on being "attached". This board screams detach-detach-detach. But that doesn't mean stop caring, stop loving, stop hoping, or stop paying attention. But it does mean detach from one outcome being the only possibility. I'm sorry I don't yet know enough about you or your sitch to chat more about what detachment means to you, and your goals in striving for it. I will try.
But you made me think of a line from one of my favorite (and often quoted) poets - Andrea Gibson
"I said to the sun 'Tell me about the Big Bang' The sun said, 'It hurts to Become.'"
Maybe we are all in that stage of Hurt on our way to Becoming.
FlySolo - I checked out Atticus on insta. wow, what a collection. And yes, that is perfect in those words of what it feels like. It's not a feeling of regret, but it's something adjacent. This missing of something that used to exist, and now has either disappeared completely or is fragmented and makes us wonder if it ever really was real.
Shortly after you posted I saw a clip from Button Poetry from one of their featured poets. Brenna Twohy says,
"When I say I forgive you, know this I did not bury the hatchet. I have the hatchet in my hands. I am building myself a new house."
Which is where I am right. It hints at some residual anger, but refuses to go there. Turning instead, and leaving the hurt behind.
Journaling:
Another potential part-time job popped on to my radar, and I'll be checking-in on that one. The bartending thing just sort of disappeared which was a bummer. But this other option could be good, and we'll see if it goes anywhere.
I go back and forth between feeling completely fine about finances and having mini panics. I have savings and probably more than many of my peers. But I don't have that safety net anymore, and I want a house so very much. I'm laser focused on it, and to build up the funds needed I need to be making sacrifices on my time and stay strict with myself. It's looking like I'm still a couple years out from this being feasible, which is a disappointment.
I realized that there is a potential that I'll have 2 jobs plus grad school this summer which is a bit insane. Good. I like insane. Curated insane. Insane by choice. It is equally likely I'll have just the one full time job and grad school and I'll still be pulling my hair out.
FS - a little secret here - I actually don't work in IT. I am pursuing undergrad classes in web programming with the original thought I might want to change careers but I actually think I don't want to anymore. My last class starts soon and ends in May, at which point I move on to the MBA. I won't share exactly what I do for work because I already think it would be too easy to find out who I am, but some days I so wish I could drop the veil of anonymity. But you are right about the sociology/psychology element. I have a need to build community these days, which is something I was dismissive of before. I just want to gather people and help them create a sense of home.
I have another idea/dream. When I do get my future house it would be wonderful if I could rent out a room (or even a separate apartment in my ultimate dream!). I don't want a permanent roommate situation. But when I was first leaving the house before official D I was very much in a space of "What do I want next? Do I really need to lock myself into a year-long lease as a renter?" I think that's a common place to be when in transition - a need for safety but not commitment. And I'd love to be able to offer people some flexible housing for low rent. 6 months or less. Even a week! Remember that 2-3 week housing gap I had? That is a TOUGH gap to fill. Give folks who are in transition and just need some TIME a chill place to be. Give that back to people who need it and are working hard but got a blow from life. Or give them super low rent so they can build up what they need for a downpayment of their own - similar to what I'm doing now - but with the explicit understanding and arrangement that it's a temporary fix to bump up their bank account a bit.
Anyway, that's where my daydreaming is these days. Today's goals include applying for that job, planning my week's To Do list, cleaning the apartment, going for a sunny walk, and headed to a social event tonight (yay!).
Off topic here - but any ladies have particular jeans brands they like? I'm curvy and looking for some that fit my hips but then don't have that horrid gap higher at the waste. I need some cute black/grey jeans for when I'm dressed to go out. I may need to buy online, so recommendations are welcomed! I am wearing a pair now that I just do not have the attention span to put darts into, though it's an easy fix.
