Yes. If only when your partner told you he couldn't endure the long commute, you'd validated his concerns, instead of getting all defensive about what you were doing in return. If only when you became defensive he'd validated your concerns instead of getting defensive and then putting his diddly doo in another lady's hoohah.
KitCat, you'll learn from your mistakes and do better next time, no? And hopefully for a partner who won't cheat on you at all, let alone cheat on you multiple times.
You are right. I have been feeling good about myself for a change this afternoon and really having this 'aha' moment with true clarity.
I even realized today his interaction with me on Wednesday morning when he was shoveling was a 'bid' for a connection though very small. He was shoveling and not paying much heed until he came to get me and ask me to come over to show me something. He said look - I've never seen that before. His truck had slid nearly a foot down the driveway. He pushed on the truck and it no longer moved. It was just slick enough at the spot with the slope of the driveway it slid. He kept mentioning to me and I was still "walking on eggshellls" phase. I said "Wow, interesting". I could have done a better job validating. I was nervous about saying the wrong thing. I was confused by why he would show me - but he wanted to share the experience. Though small that it was. I need to recognize those more.
But, CW your point is very vaild. I may have had an awakening but it doesn't change the fact that he said he was done, wanted D and is with A.
Just when I feel I can get my feed under me - I can be different. I can be better. I have to remind myself he doesn't care.
Having dinner with my mom, working tomorrow, continuing to exercise - down the first 10lb but lets face it the first 10 are the easiest. Tomorrow is work and then I'm going to have to clean house. Sunday I will go to church not because that is my thing but I will be around other people and not isolated at home. Even though I may not have direct interaction specifically I will have distraction.
Decided to check out a local winery that I have been wanting to get to for a long time. They have a very popular wine there that I have wanted to try. They have live music on Wednesdays and a food truck but since H works 3rds it never works out to go. Wine tasting by yourself is sort of lame... but there I was. I took home 2 bottles.
I grocery shopped. Put things away.
And there I sat. Texting friends but ultimately just sitting in a quiet house. Tried to continue reading but boy that is hard to do when you get smacked in the face with reality how wrong you have handled arguments --- when my H just wanted to be heard about the crappy drive and I just replied... Yes, BUT... (me: head in sand)
Today I'm off to the store to finish up getting spices for pot roast.
I have no idea if or when H will even stop by the house today... but it least it can smell nice with one of his favorite dinners. NO, I'm not expecting to have dinner with him. Is it wrong that I want it to smell familar? I think his random coming and going keeps me off balance. When I think he is here - he is not. When I think its safe to let my guard down... he shows up.
I will go off to church today. Mostly because it will be filled with people. I will be alone in a crowd rather than alone in this house.
I tried taking my ring off for 5min but the permanent creases it left behind took my breath away... will keep trying.
Sounds like you had an adventure at the local winery yesterday. So, you now know that they have live music on Wednesdays and a food truck, make it a point to visit on a Wednesday. This is a good way to get out of the house and meet and be around other people. There is no harm in making chit chat w/others at these functions.
Sitting at home, in a very quiet house, can be a bit much. Nothing says you have to stay there unless you absolutely want to be there. Life is waiting out there for you...you have to start doing things on your own. People do it all of the time these days. Heck, female teens are going to their proms w/o dates these days, which when I came along, seemed very odd...but today's society encourages people to go solo and meet new people out there.
I hope you enjoyed your dinner. It's nice to have familiar aromas in the home. It makes home feel more like a home. Get some room fresheners and start using them. Lavender is a good one to have around. It will relax you a bit.
Why do you feel the need to have your guard up around him? You've lived w/him for many years and unless he becomes abusive in any way, I would go about my business. The more you act like yourself, the more the guilt will eat at him. He's the one that is walking out the door...you have absolutely nothing to feel guilt about w/his decision to go. If he weren't such a quitter, he would have sat you down a long time ago and have some serious discussions w/you about everything...but he just dropped hints in a passive-aggressive way. You are not a mind reader who can read his mind.
Go to church, speak to some of the congregation and do something nice for yourself today.
As for the ring, you, and only you, can decide when it comes off. If you aren't comfortable w/removing it right now, then leave it on. If you opt to take it off, find another ring and put it on the finger.
KC, you've got this! You just have to find the confidence and strength to think outside the box.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Its ultimately the coming and going on HIS terms... that is eating away at me.
If I put my foot down and tell him it has to stop. Get my garage opener out of his vehicle and change the locks. I better be ready for a fight because it will be game on.
I know he doesn't respect me --- hence the coming and going on his terms.
I sit here constantly with bent ear for the sound of his truck in the driveway. Its driving me insane. And, yet today is another night he is sleeping somewhere else.
Do I call him or text him that this is working out for me??? I've been radio silent with him nearly 4 days now.
Its ultimately the coming and going on HIS terms... that is eating away at me... If I put my foot down and tell him it has to stop.
Fighting isn't healthy for anyone. Can you legally TELL him to stop coming? With one ex I could and did. When they entered anyway I called the police, the police informed them next time it would be a felony, and that was the end of it. No fighting. Since you're married, I suspect you can't TELL him to stop coming. You probably could take all his things out of the master bedroom and put them in another room, and tell him you won't share a bedroom with a cheater and lock the door when you're in it so you feel more at peace he won't randomly enter. In most (not all) situations the other party takes the hint. If he doesn't (e.g., he breaks down the door), you could ask your attorney about upgrading your bedroom lock, a restraining order, temporary alimony, a quicker split (selling of assets) so you have adequate funds for your own place, etc.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Do I call him or text him that this is working out for me???
Since you two are no longer a couple, it's no longer your job to wake him up, but it's also no longer his job to solve situations that aren't working for you. I'd come up with your own solution and inform him if-needed. Many solutions don't require much informing. E.g., he comes home and finds all his things in the guest bedroom, or he receives a summons for a court appearance to determine temporary alimony. Not informing him has benefits--no arguing about it and he has less opportunities to prepare countermeasures. This is no longer someone to trust, and you two have different goals for the future.
I'm really proud of your GAL activities. You're finding your strength, Kat.
I sit here constantly with bent ear for the sound of his truck in the driveway. Its driving me insane. And, yet today is another night he is sleeping somewhere else.
Would you feel more comfortable sitting in a coffeeshop, bookstore, or bar? We're talking a $4-8 drink per hour. I try to limit evening hours that I'm sitting at home alone not sleeping to two hours or so.
Originally Posted by "KitCat"
Wine tasting by yourself is sort of lame... but there I was. I took home 2 bottles.
What's lame about it?! When I go to bars alone--something I never did before this month, picturing a sad drunk guzzling liquor and hoping the bartender or some patron would talk to him--I typically sit near the end, nurse one craft beer of my choice, and read an engaging book on my next travel destinations. Not much different than reading in a coffeeshop! That's enough signal to other patrons I'm busy and not so open for conversation. I do people watch. Saw a lady sit down in the middle of the bar, look both ways apparently trying to catch someone's attention, take a swig, then let out a hardy laugh. One of the guys next to her took that as an opening to turn towards her and ask what was funny and a conversation began.
I have not called or texted... I will address his issues with coming and going at whim in person.
I will not have it come across to him in a text message that gives him any inkling this is about control.. and something to snicker about with his new distraction.
This is about respect. He doesn't need to be here. Whatever he has told himself.
I told myself that if he was still here... we had a chance... a chance at positive interactions and to work through this... whatever... he is "here" but he is staying elsewhere... nothing to work on. He should be gone.
For now I will just keep cleaning and sorting things which I should have done some time ago.
After 3 nights away H came home at 5pm Sunday to then turn around and leave at 7:30pm for work.
I didnt known he was on way home when I called because the puppy was getting out of his garage kennel... strong pup! And he ate the drywall H had just repaired.
So H walked through the door an hr later with new garage kennel [we have indoor one but dogs stay in garage during day so H can sleep]... He puts together.
I was eating dinner alone when he came home.
I said Hello very friendly like... I got hmmmm... as he walked past not looking at me. Later I asked if he had a good weekend... he actually looked at me and said yes... I replied good.
He is looking at the numbers and asked what paperwork I've done...I tell him what I have worked on so far. He seems annoyed. I let him know I found out that he was not correct about legal separation. I sort stated that I had a client who was an atty and asked her some questions which is NOT a lie.. she is a client of where I work and our kids are in the same grade. He then took me off guard by saying could she just do all this for cheap??? What??? I said she was privy Nd one of the best in town.
He said he was not finding a house so he will probably have to rent and out everything in storage. He said he will not move in with his parents. He then eluded to he had another option but he would need storage... I didnt ask as I assumed he was talking about moving in with A.
Great - I'm so accommodating... well you dont have to move out and you dont need to find storage... What am I doing????
He made it clear he is moving out of MB to other room... there is lots of boxes and stuff I have been going thru in that room... I will not move them.. he will have to deal. I just made major changes to keep things quiet in kitchen and MB for him to sleep better... if that's not good enough deal with the issues of the second bedroom.
He then stated he is giving this till the end of March. If no house he will go to apt but he cant take the dog. He said we need to mind our own business... I shouldn't be prying into his life and he wants to know nothing of mine. He went on to state that neither of us would be really pleased to know what the other is doing... WHAT???? What does he think I am doing????
H went on later after shower to state that he does not want screwed over. He got taken for in his first D and we woman were just out for every thing. I looked at him while he talked and let him rant. He then back peddled and made a comment that he wasn't trying to diss me but that he had been through this before and it was a bad experience.
???? I didnt say a word... but my head is screaming we don't have to do this... we dont have to D. You are the one making it about D. But, I said nothing.
He didnt have anything for lunch so he asked if he could take the leftover pot roast... I said not a problem and he packed it.
I told him to have a good night.
I then got on the phone with my mom to decompress from the situation. I'm yacking away when H suddenly comes through garage door... he left thru front door. He looked surprised to see me on phone and I was surprised to see him. He said he took the trash out to the curb... uh okay... thanks for doing so... and then back out the front door.
That caught me off guard. And, did he need to come back and tell me that? He also said other dog was in garage. I thanked him for that info... we had all been in garage when H was showing the puppy the new kennel and somehow the other dog didnt come back in the house.
I've got to get on the ball... I was good about NC all weekend until the end of Sunday.. still I would have preferred not having contacted at all.
I want to save my marriage desperately... but it not up to me. He is so hurt and angry about how he felt I was too him. I get it now... no more "yes, but"... I can validate your feelings better... we can move. Nothing matters now but stopping the commute and this A.
"I understand how you feel, you've stated that multiple times. I feel obligated to point out that I am not wanting any of this, I am the one trying to hold everything together, and you are the one insisting on S and/or D. However, if that is what you want then I will give it to you as I am powerless to stop it if it is what you want. However, I do have to protect and look out for myself if you insist."
This is a little off the DB path, but I think it is important to make sure he understands that HE is not the victim here. When you deliver these kinds of messages you need to be calm, cool and collected. No emotions. Just flat and matter of fact.
WASs and WSs in particular are masters at turning things around and making themselves the victim in these things. I see so much of that behavior in him. That is probably why he came back in to tell you about the garbege. "See how great I am! Even though I am the victim, you are trying to take me for everything, and you won't even clean the spare bedroom out for me, I am STILL nice enough to purchase a new kennel, bring the new dog in, and take out the garbage!"
SICKENING. Why are you trying to save things with this person?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
