S’s birthday on Friday. It’s not my weekend but I met the kids and their mom for dinner on Friday. S brought a friend. They talked with each other the whole time. It’s okay, I get it. He opened my gifts in the parking lot. W talked about giving me time this weekend to spend 1:1 with him but in the end she planned events and it didn’t work out. Parties 2 days, one with neighbors and one with friends. I won’t lie I am frustrated that she offered time with him this weekend but hanging out with the neighbors was higher priority.
And now I can’t sleep.
I know what my plan is next. It’s not about that.
It’s feeling like I’m drifting apart from my kids. And I know every parent feels that way when their kids start growing up. But I also feel shut out. I’m upset. I was excited to spend that time with S. Instead I’m paying for parties that I can’t attend at a house I pay for. I’m not there for my son’s birthday.
Also I feel a loss of community. My parents, my W. I’m living in a new place. I don’t make friends easily and I feel alone and lacking support and lost much of the time.
It’s the middle of the night and I know these thoughts are irrational but it’s what keeps me up at night.
