Finding patience and facing fear

[DnJ]

Hello Kind

I like the thread title. That’s a good heading.

How to for a nice looking link:

url=https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2878653&page=1]Questions for a LBS 5 months in[/url

From the line above I removed the first character “[“ and the final character “]”. Else wise it would become a hyperlink and it is harder to show the syntax.

The command is “url” and “/url” ends the command. The square brackets encase the command. See below, again without the [ and ].

url=<web address>]The text you want to show instead of the web address[/url

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Here’s where I need some ”schooling” please....

I FEEL the need and want to do things my way. Just because he doesn’t care about spending $$ right now and wants someone else to do everything for him, I do not have to do the same thing. I want to write back and state that I’m choosing not to involve my lawyer to gather factual paperwork at this stage and for him to have his lawyer pass along his accurate FD forms to me - this allows me to see how honest he’s being and to also provide my lawyer with the documents he’s left out ...without paying for my lawyer to basically tell him what’s missing after I tell her. Do I have this backwards?? Am I not being rational?

Kind, this is business. A deal gone sideways. Remember that.

I understand you FEEL a want and need to do it your way. Do not make decisions based mostly on feelings.

Rational is more logic and reason. Irrational is more emotions.

Pure reason doesn’t have emotions. And pure emotion is devoid of reason. We are both. We are rational and irrational creatures all bundled together. It takes time for our emotional side to catch up with our logic and reason.

Find a lawyer and be prepared. Let your L do the heavy lifting. This is most likely the biggest decision and agreement of your life - use a lawyer.

Also your sanity is worth more than the few bucks you’ll save. And a lawyer will provide peace of mind that nothing is missed.

Your above statement shows a lot of control and trust issues with H. Well obviously DnJ of course it does. (I can almost hear you saying that lol). Therefore another set of eyes, those of a dispassionate legal counsel, will be so worth it.

You don’t have to push for anything - yet. Just ask questions and see what your L recommends.

I feel like he’s walking all over me with each factual, emotionless email he sends
I feel like he’s deep in more running behaviour as well as “someone else can deal with it” which is totally his MO.

I’m upset about the L $ that will inevitably be spent but I’m also pi**ed that he’s running the show how he wants.

I really want to write back a well worded response but feel like I’m beating my head against a wall to prove what point? To stick up for myself when I’ve had no voice for so long? HE DOESN'T CARE.

Breathe.

Do not make major decisions from that place.

Vent here and let go of those feelings.

I feel like if I retain my L now and not write anything back to H its me rolling over/conceding and therefore satisfying/ justifying for him. My intent is still to be kind but how do I get his paperwork without L intervention OR at least point out that he is certainly not being forthcoming or amicable? I feel I need some kind of mental satisfaction here ... am I missing an option? My intent is also not to hold him up ...but I will not lift a finger to help him proceed either.

I know you want to point things out to H. And some satisfaction would feel good - really good. But, look big picture.

Focus on you.

...am I missing an option?

Yes. Focus on you.

Ensure financial security and protection. And if or when H pulls the trigger, be ready.

Remember this is business. Stay in the intellectual car. Use logic and reason.

Pls someone 2x4 me and stop the cycle! Lol

Bonk.

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DnJ I would love for you to expand on how to influence fear...

Fear

Me: I struggle at times greatly with still focusing on H’s behaviour and his total disregard for me. I truly believe there is no turning back for him (will not look within...just not his nature) which squishes my hope. I also feel the longer this goes on it’s becoming harder to respect this person I care deeply about. I found out yesterday that he’s been looking at homes and as much as I struggle when he’s here and am sometimes relieved when he’s not home for a few days (due to work) I’m worried that I will feel another loss and the flare up of extreme sadness when he does go. Such confusing emotions all the time. I continue to try and keep a PMA and dive into my hobbies, my sports and time spent with family and friends.

We all struggle at first with focusing too much on what our spouse is doing. It takes time to shift our focus and attention from that train wreck. Dig for patience - like your thread title says.

Focus on you. Detach. Find indifference. Let go.

This is a process, and yeah it’s harder than it sounds. Be gentle on yourself.

Fear is still within me, which I believe is party the catalyst when I’m overcome with uncontrollable sadness. I continue to look inwards to learn what specifically I am fearful of and what I can do about it. Irrational or not I feel I fear the loss of the relationship...I fear the lawyer process...I fear my own feelings at times. I fear where I will live....I fear loss of my security both financially and emotionally. I fear the feeling of feeling lost. I fear Im not doing enough to be okay with myself however this turns out. I fear not knowing what I want out of life right now. That’s a lot of fear and unresolve.

Influencing fear.

Acknowledge it. Realize it is from you. You make yourself afraid. This is good. Because you control you. Therefore you can influence your fear.

Fear is irrational. As I said earlier rational is logic and reason devoid of emotions. Fear is emotion. Intellect has no fear.

Fear is an uncontrollable emotional reaction or response to a possible future event. If that event happens, there is no fear because it is now reality. It becomes just a problem or concern to deal with at that point.

As you can see, rationalizing fear helps. It is similar to detachment. One uncouples the irrational bond between possible event and triggered emotion using rational thought. Seeing it accurately. This is not done quickly. It takes time and goes hand in hand with many other steps along one’s path.

Fear is our response to a trigger. And in true fearful fashion we actually don’t see the underlying cause - we are afraid to look. One needs to be rational and logical, and dig.

I feared the same things you do. You’re not alone in that, I guarantee.

I feared the loss of my relationship. Why? Dig. I don’t want to be alone. People will blame me and look at me differently. Why? I don’t want to get old alone. I define myself by being married. Why? I’m afraid to die old and alone.

That is a very short summary of my fear of loss. There are many reasons - abandonment, responsibilities, etc... Still after one digs deep enough most fears rise from our own imagined future pain and suffering.

So, I am afraid to die alone. To be alone.

Followed logically and rationally found. Now to do something about it.

I realized my relationship was already over. Hard to afraid of something that has happened. But, my fear wasn’t the relationship - it was being alone.

I poured myself into me. I found me. I defined me - as a single guy not a divorced guy. I also have four amazing kids. I have friends. I am not alone. Ok, I’m alone at a deep level, I also have a fair bit of caring company.

I uncoupled my irrational emotions of being alone by... being alone. I went on walks by myself. Stargazed alone. Went out for suppers alone. Etc... Slowly changed my irrational belief about being alone. Influenced it with rational thought and positive actions.

During these activities I allowed myself to enjoy them. To feel something other than alone. Pretty soon alone gets tied to those good emotions from the activity. Fear has nothing left to feed off, it withers.

I fearlessly live my life. Not reckless, fearless.

Fear and worry is like praying for something you really don’t want. We live our lives expending so much energy into worry and fear over something that might happen. Energy we could invest better.

There are many possibilities. Lots of good outcomes happen and get little notice. But something bad happens and we focus upon it, far more than when the good happens.

Most of what we fear never comes to pass.

And if it does - deal with it then.

D17 is gone for the night and I’ve got a dark sky and stars to look at. Doing pretty good as a single guy.

DnJ