Cardinal, (I’m back and caught up with current on-goings). Our stories, H’s behaviour and our own feelings continue to mirror each other in such a huge way. I hesitate to offer advice on here especially while I struggle in many of the same ways...but I get the sense that letting go/detaching, fears and not being kind to ourselves are tricky areas to process for you or at least keep resurfacing when we aren’t living in the present...as they are and do for me.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I think I spend too much energy being frustrated with myself when I spiral away from that in-the-present thinking and get caught up in all the feelings that elemental fear brings with it (only memories of H, no future H, all that). I will try to observe the fear when it feels overwhelming, uncouple it, but not dwell in it or on it. That is something I can control, even if it takes practice.
MEEEE too. ^^^ it’s very difficult to replace these feelings of “no future with H”, the life and securities we’ve built with our H’s with anything but hope. I search for something more concrete but feel it doesn’t exist. DnJ and Job do a great job of reminding us to as you say let it wash over us but don’t dwell.
Originally Posted by cardinal
And, Wayfarer, posting this from IronWill's thread as a reminder to me too (I know DnJ has said as much also!):
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Dropping the rope isn't letting go of hope. Dropping the rope is letting go of fear, expectations, and control. Hope exists outside of what our WS/WAS are doing. Hope is for us. Not them. Letting go of the fear frees us, not them. Letting go of the control and expectations frees both of us.
Patience, I am cultivating. Dig deeper for patience, time is your friend--these phrases bring me comfort. I have moments of giving up control and therefore fear, then feeling lighter, freer, but they come and go. I'm ready (impatient!) for this to be a permanent state of mind. No surprise, I'm also very type A! Do you find this has happened for you through conscious work, or mostly subconscious? BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME. Haha. May also mentioned it being a process beginning with acceptance. This all makes so much sense, and I think I make progress in understanding it logically, but I haven't fully internalized it. I think there is still part of my brain (or maybe it's the emotional part of me) that equates dropping the rope with giving up hope, even though I don't believe that is true.
I don’t know if this will help or not (and I wish I could remember who’s post I saw it on) because the way I write it won’t do it justice ...but I’ll give it a shot. I’m such a visual person and this helps me to remember to let go - it doesn’t mean give up. *** Picture a person walking along the beach with their dog on a really long leash. The dog is enjoying running ahead, playing in the water, chasing birds, doing doggy things. Opposite to the water is a mess of thick brush and downed trees. The dog runs off miles ahead (while the owner still holds the leash) chasing after something and gets himself all tangled up in the brush and thick mess of branches and his leash. The owners first response is to hold the leash tighter so the dog doesn’t break free or get lost by continuing to run further. But the dog just gets more and more tangled. The owner has no choice but to let go of the leash and allow the dog to detangle himself free of the “rope” that is holding him back from getting out of the tangled branches and mess. The dog will choose to run back to its owner or continue ‘chasing’.***
If someone recognizes the above pls take credit for it and thank you for helping me to see that letting go of the rope is not giving up, it’s letting go of control. It’s detaching. We can’t control which way our H’s will go, but we can loosen the leash to allow them the freedom to choose what they will. By holding on tight we create a suffocating, tangled mess. Now if I could just continuously live this I’d be in much better shape. But one day at a time. I hope that visual can help you a little Cardinal with “fear, control and detachment”.
