Remember how we came up with the term CAGD (Crap at going dark)? Maybe we need one like that for over-validating and how it becomes ineffective when not deserved. I am of two minds on the validating, esp for crap behavior (for kids and Hs alike)!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
that's nice, Alison, keep it up Gratitude has been shown to increase happiness, so even doing it just for you is positive! Ha, yes that's true, Blu. Though my kids are not really whiny, even ds2 in full blown teen time. They are also better at communicating than H though, I have been nagging ds2 about something he needs to do for school that he was hesitant to complete. He turned round a few days ago and told me to stop nagging, and I backed right off and agreed that the consequences would be for him alone and validated that he must have found the nagging annoying. I don't usually nag anyone much, but I was doing it out of frustration and concern for him. I do know though that the more you try to control someone the less well they respond I've had a nice, busy week. Lots of socialising, art classes, rushing about taking the kids to appointments and stuff, and squeezing work in. I've been making the most of life this week. I've been missing H though, not really contacted him except about house stuff and kid stuff. He texted me yesterday saying he's coming home on Sunday if I'm home and that he fell over playing sport and injured himself a few weeks ago. He seemed sorry for himself and I was sympathetic. I seem to have trained him to tell me when he's coming home at least, and not to take for granted I'll be sitting here waiting for him. I have zero expectations nowadays when he temp checks me. I'm waiting to see what happens when he has this time off in a month or so, again no expectations at all, he might wake up a tiny bit once work pressure eases, or he might completely retreat once he has the energy to do something towards D. The latter is what happened last year, but as the ads say, past performance is no guarantee of future performance! Either way I'm not going to let his actions affect me too much, even if he made micro moves towards R he has such a massive hole to dig himself out of. I can feel the power shifting subtly in any case. If he made moves towards D then I might even feel relief as well as sadness. I certainly wouldn't be as devastated as I would have done previously. But again, that's expectation talking. No point in expecting anything even if it's to do with my feelings!
Just journalling. I feel down and sad and hopeless. Partly because some of my friends have some very tough life stuff going on and I feel sad for them. Partly because I see zero change in H. Oh well. And I haven't gone ahead with my travel plans due to this stupid virus so who knows if I'll even be able to go. Limbo in so many ways. I did have a lovely run and lunch with friends at the weekend, but that made me sad saying goodbye to my friends and going home to nobody (well, to two teens who spend most of their time in their rooms). I feel lonely right now even though I did keep busy last week and met some new people at an event.
This week I'm getting my garden done which will be something to look forward to. Tomorrow evening I have a fun thing to go to. Art class today and Wednesday. Parents evening for ds2 too. H has been to exactly one parent's evening ever, 12 years ago, I have really always been a single parent. His loss, I actually enjoy parent's evening because the teachers love ds2 and then we go and debrief at the pub and ds2 is shiny and chatty. So I have plenty of things on but still I feel like I want someone to share my life with. I'm tired of being alone and never touched. I think this week is the week I will buy a new phone, open my own bank account, and move towards either online or speed dating. I don't feel married any more. I'm no longer willing to wait for years for H to come out of his funk. It might never happen.
I reserve the right to change my mind on this! The WAS is not the only one who is confused...
I\m sorry you're having such a hard day, Dilly. You have been doing all you can, and for such a long time. I'm so sorry your H is so unwell and incapable of being the partner you need and the father your kids deserve. You really deserve so much better. I wonder how much standing for your marriage is depriving you of happiness now. I guess you're wondering that too, and there's no easy answer but finding little ways to take steps forward sounds positive.
thank you Alison, I appreciate it. I realised one more reason why I'm feeling sad: this time last year H was moving towards me and being very warm, and I had a lot of hope for R. Then he ran away again and has never really come back. I know that's his stuff and not mine, but it feels now like I have to drop the rope for good. This detachment business is no easy task. I think another reason for my current spinning (which is NOTHING compared with previous spinning) is that there is so much uncertainty in the future regardless of H. Career stuff continues to feel like a mountain to climb. You're right though, little steps. I will take those and I will also book a holiday for ds2 and myself at Easter, he's being a not very nice teen about everything right now, but if I just tell him he's going we will have fun regardless The bigger travel plans are still on hold while I wait to find out if things are going to be cancelled. I really want something out of the ordinary to look forward to!
Checking in after a tumultuous few weeks in the world! Gosh but it's been the longest week ever hasn't it? Every day something new which turns life upside down. I've been struggling with it like everyone else, but I think I've finally found my balance, because things will calm down soon once lockdown happens. In a way being BDed has been helpful here. Having your entire life blown up overnight has been good preparation for this happening on a grander scale. It's annoying that many of my coping mechanisms for uncertainty and stress are now unavailable since they involve other people. However I'm working hard at substituting digital for in-person activities and trying to see the bright side of all this. I can accept how drastically the world is changing because I have lived through drastic uncertainty and change already. Not sure how I would be coping had I not experienced BD!
I feel pretty calm and detached from R stuff. A bit worried about H's health as he has been working and travelling in crowded places. Curious about how he will cope with WFH when he's used to wall to wall in-person meetings for 12 hours a day. But not overly involved, just curious. I suppose we might not see much of each other when proper lockdown happens and travel is restricted. We've been texting about the kids and stuff, I cried down the phone to him when they cancelled school and ds1's A levels as ds1 was very upset. Wednesday was a bad day but then I pulled myself together and cheered up. Ds1 will probably be fine for uni, I just hope he can go as anticipated in October. H is very worried about his company with the coming recession. Nothing I can do, he's good at strategy and I'm sure he will do his best to help his employees. At least we are financially fairly insulated since H was almost in a position to retire soon. I'm thankful for that and told him so. I'm also thankful we live in a modest house, even though we have another small house both together are not worth that much, if we'd had a huge mortgage like most of H's colleagues things would be a lot more stressful.
Anyway, that's my update. I'm ok, the kids are ok, we will probably be ok. That's what matters. I have plans in place for keeping us all active and healthy. I am blessed in many ways, right now H and my M are kind of not that important.
Stay safe, stay centred, stay focused on looking after your physical and mental health and loved ones. I kind of feel like the rest of the world has finally caught up with my thinking on what your priorities in life should be! I used to get cross at people whining about their spouses and complaining about tiny things. Maybe this will make everyone more appreciative of what really matters in life. As well as toilet paper lol.
Journalling. Lockdown came here, though we are allowed out to exercise daily, hope that continues. It's kind of a relief TBH. H went to our other house as he can't work at the office any more and has no wifi in his house (and struggles getting food there). I think he was petrified of getting the virus due to his health problems. Anyway, I think he will be there for quite a while, I told him to take his passport and lots of clothes as it might be a while before he gets back. In the midst of this virus panic his work politics have got even more toxic and he thinks he might be out of a job shortly. He didn't want to talk about it so I left him be. We will be much worse off financially but hopefully still comfortable. Maybe I should have divorced him earlier! He must be stressed out of his mind with the work stuff, the virus stuff and his health stuff. I feel so sorry for him. I'm glad he's safe at our other house though and hope he can get some peace going out walking somewhere scenic. I wish I could go there, not to see him but because I usually go there most weeks and miss it. It might be a while before I can go there now. It might also be a while before H gets to see the kids. He usually does stuff with them and goes places and none of that is possible now but I'm not sure he has the capacity to see the kids anyway right now. I saw him on Sunday and he was unbelievably snappy but I could tell he was super stressed and didn't take it personally. He texted afterwards to apologise for being so irritable, which is unusual.
Anyway, enough about H, I can't do anything for him and feel very detached from him, I mostly feel anxiety about what his job means for my financial future really. I have zero expectations of R. I'm not sure I want this broken pathetic man back anyway. But I can't date! I can't even date online as my phone is connected to our icloud and all our finances are joint so he can see everything I do. No hurry I suppose, though I am looking forward to a future with someone who can give me what I need. In the meantime I'm getting on with things at home, doing a bit of work (it's not really paid right now but at least it contributes to the world), exercising and eating healthily and trying to keep the kids from spending every second online in their bedrooms. Life is calm and peaceful and I'm staying in touch with friends. Luckily I'm used to working from home and spending plenty of time alone. My garden is not quite finished due to virus-unrelated stuff so I am a bit anxious about getting it done so we can spend time outdoors, but nothing I can do about that.
I had a funny thought: since BD many of our spouses have treated us like we have an infectious disease, now everyone else knows how that feels! And we can take it less personally! So funny Hope everyone is well and staying healthy.
We have had a crash course in life being out of our control, and having to find a way to live peacefully with a situation we don't like, haven't we Dilly?
We certainly have, Alison! I do feel like I'm coping with pandemic stuff so much better because of BD though. Still not easy having this much uncertainty but I feel calm most of the time, unlike most people I know. And I have GAL and self care down pat thanks to this place. Quick update. I rang H 2 days ago just to see how he was doing. He didn't want to talk, just said he'd been working hard and that he was annoyed it was dark by the time he finished work. He's saving 2 hours commuting PER DAY and is somewhere peaceful and scenic with good food access, you'd think he'd be counting his blessings. A week ago he complained to me that his mum rang him and moaned about her life and didn't consider him at all, he seemed very cross about it. This is exactly what he did to me! He asked how the kids were but not once since this has started has he asked me how I am, except to see if any of us have symptoms, I think because he's so scared of getting it. I'm starting to despise and dislike him, different from the hatred I felt before off and on. What a weak pathetic man. I'm actively thinking about D now. Trying to think how that can happen in the midst of all this, it probably needs to wait a bit. I think I am no longer standing for my M now though. I had already given up any hope of R, now I am finally coming to terms with life without H. It will be awesome! I am really looking forward to having sex with someone new! Just need to wait long enough for that not to involve risk of a deadly virus lol.
How are you today, Dilly? Can't help but feel your H is doing yourself a favour by showing how selfish he is in technicolour detail. Considering the people that have lost, or are about to lose, jobs and homes and loved ones, his situation sounds more stable than most and even if his job does go, or changes, he's not likely to be destitute. Life is strange and hard for everyone right now, but the fact that he isn't able to offer any support to the mother of his children - even if that's all he sees you as right now - is a true testament to how impoverished he is as a person. I wish you a calm lockdown, financial stability and lots of fun sex with someone who can't wait to cherish you. You sound like a catch to me
Gratitude has been shown to increase happiness, so even doing it just for you is positive!