"I'm not sure I am ready to give the M what it needs, and think I need a month apart to think things over."
Think this is what I should have done, but I carried on blindly/hopefully and W has been back home a week now. She said she was fully committed before moving in but that hasn’t materialised - she still isn't being transparent sharing anything like phone etc which of course makes me feel there’s something still going on and wasn’t part of the deal of her moving back in. Our communication and friendship actually feels far better and she says she wants to be with me so badly but can't find the energy/spark etc. and feels inferior/shameful etc. due to what's happened. She keeps telling me how wonderful I am. I can't tolerate not having her full commitment though and feel she's still up to something whether that's EA or something more, I don't believe it's about privacy although she says it is. She said the other night she moved back in because she’s desperate to feel different about things and admitted she isn’t keeping up her end of things with the transparency.
I don't want to play detective or snoop and MWD says don't call W out on things with OM which I feel is right (even though difficult to bite my tongue, but I’m not stupid and am questioning everything because W is giving me 0 to build trust (apart from telling me where she is periodically) and there is plenty to question like thin excuses etc). W told me the couple of days away was at a friend's house for quiet reflection but I don't 100% believe that, she opted not to tell me where she was while she was there. I feel like a broken record now about NC with OM and I don’t want to bring that up anymore. She knows my position already. Situation is a little bit more complicated too because some relatives are ill which we are both close to.
What do you suggest I do now? I either say I need time and space and ask her to move back to her mum’s and initiate NC for her to sort herself out (does feel like a step back now) or get on with my life while she’s still living with me. I’m tired of asking for things from her (like NC with OM, transparency etc that she’s avoided/put off/usually says “I could do that” and doesn’t commit) and it makes me look weak when she’s not going through with them. Of course I can’t prove anything either way and don’t really want to either so it looks like I’m trying to control her if I go on about it. I should also keep in mind that OM contact could be overblown in my head because I’ve not got enough commitment/trust building from her. She completely plays down OM although half admitted that she could have messaged him while saying it's not about him, the problem is us.
She said that she feels stuck and that nothing she’s doing seems to be working and she’s miserable wherever she is. She’s not buying things for herself, not keeping up her appearance and wearing old/messy clothes as if punishing herself. She looks worn out. To me that doesn’t look like someone keeping up her appearance for an OM in a PA. (Thoughts?) She said she’s looking to me to tell her what she should do because she feels lost and says she needs a kick in the right direction. I think she’s being honest when she says she wants to be back together properly but she can’t emotionally grasp it. She says the dynamic between us has changed since we met and that we’re different people but still loves me, finds me attractive, likes my companionship, feels at home around me etc. She’s so close to me/relies on me for support/companionship and says she can’t imagine me not being in her life and she seems so vulnerable right now, crying every day etc that my instinct is to support her and help her through it but I feel like the best thing is to ask her to move out and initiate NC because nothing much is changing. I think that would be really tough for her, and I think that would be make or break for us. I think commitment on the transparency has to be a red line though - either there’s something going on or she doesn’t feel ready to commit yet?
