One thing I’m really struggling with right now is should I be NC or not? Lots of you on here are very much in contact with your spouse. Some of you are sharing a home in the midst of everything. My H may be mostly possessed by aliens but his inner people pleaser/ nice guy is still there too. Right now he says he is confused, scared, conflicted, doesn’t know what he wants etc. etc. But that he desperately wants us to be friends. That he can’t bear it if we can’t be friends. He wants to do “normal” things again. And believe me I so desperately want those things too. I hate the silence of being alone in the house after my kiddos are in bed. I hate feeling so alone. There was crazy hysterical bonding in the first couple of weeks after the affair was discovered. And I devoured it like a big chocolate cake. He seemed more like himself than in so long and my heart melted. The conversations, the affection, the tenderness. Oh I wanted it to mean everything was okay, we are okay, everything will be okay. But it didn’t mean any of that. He’s still a confused, jumbled alien and not at all 100% committed to working on our marriage. Having realized that, I am not sure if spending time with him is a good idea. (Obviously he should see and spend time with his children.) Us playing like we are friends eases his guilt. And it seems to me keeps him from really having to confront what has happened or feel the consequences of what it means to live a life apart. I don’t want to be just friends. Ever. I don’t know what to do.
He sent an email asking to come over tonight. To have family dinner. To watch tv. To spend time together after kiddos are in bed. To talk a little. (He listed all of those things off in the email.) I did not respond. He called after he left the office. I did not pick up. I just kept reading here. I would love to see him. I am angry and hurt but I miss him. Maybe being here helps him see what he is losing. Or maybe it just eases his guilt. I don’t know. Since my normal response would be “Yes, of course. Come home. Let me make you some dinner. Bring your laundry. I’ll take care of that too.”... since that would be my normal response I wonder if doing the opposite is what I should do now. As much for me as anything else. Because I am nowhere near detached.
(Note: He is still very adamant that he has ended the affair. That it was WRONG and that whatever happens with our marriage, he knows as long as we are married, there cannot be a third person in any of this. Can I be sure he is telling the truth? Of course not. He also says he has not seen any of the “young crowd” since the day I confronted him about the affair. That his life this past month has been work, here at home in the evenings when I’ve let him be here and sitting alone in his sad little apartment.)
