I'm doing lots of reading. Trying to reinforce skills that I last acquired and some how let slip from my fingers.
I realized today how I have been invalidating my H for years. I was being dismissive.
H: The commute is wearing me down. I can't stand the long drive. That's 2hr of my day that I can't do things I want to do.
Me: But I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping and managing this household. I do all this because you commute.
H: [who is feeling that my statement above indicates that I feel that he has no ability to cook or clean] Comes back with fine I will do all my own cooking and my laundry. Take your name off my bank account I want to pay my own bills.
Me: [in defense mode] That's not what I feel is a marriage and I don't think I can be married like that. [We have common differences in up bringing. I was raised in a home and had friends/family where the wife handled the day to day finances and budgets for the family. He was raised in home where his parents had separate accounts and really do not know what the other person has. Ultimately, rather than taking my name off the accounts and behaving like his parents, I just should have said why don't you be responsible for X, Y and Z and I will take care of A, B and C. We would keep each other informed but he might have felt like he had more control or understanding of the money. Again a realization too little too late].
^^^^ This has been a frequent topic... it has been brought up many a time and I used the same argument with him. No wonder he hit a breaking point.
Today it dawned on me I was not validating him at all.............
What I should have said "I understand the stress that the daily drive in having on you. I agree that it limits your time to garden or to go fishing" . "What can we do to ease this situation for you?" [Now, in my mind that is why we went all out on a high end Harley. And, in the beginning it was a solution. But you can't ride Harley's in winter. Combine that with low sunlight, lack of getting out of his head... BD!]
