I'm so sorry to read your updates. If he's having an affair that clarifies a lot of things for you. It's somewhat of a process to go from married and sharing your life with your husband who you love to suddenly cutting off contact with him and living like a single person. For years it was probably second nature for you to wake him up. You didn't even have to think twice about it. It's not easy to adapt to these new circumstances.
I recently went through a series of cleaning and organization projects in my home after realizing the systems in place here (or lack thereof) were causing things to get lost or piled up. It didn't get fixed in one afternoon however. It took weeks of moving things around, buying new furniture, donating things, and re-arranging everything before the new systems could go on auto-pilot mode. I feel like it must be similar in your situation - you have to re-program your thoughts, decide about your pets, consult an attorney, find new hobbies for yourself, and all that before your 'new' life will start to make sense.
It's sad and unfortunate this is happening because you sound like a wonderful person and your husband knows how great you are. He's acting the way he's acting to justify his affair and to avoid putting the blame on himself. He wants to enjoy his (hopefully short-lived) affair because that's what makes him happy in this moment but he's not taking into account the commitments he made to you when he married you. Sure he probably has resentment towards you for rejecting his advances or not agreeing to move closer to his work earlier or whatever the issues may be, however, cheating is not the honorable way to fix hardships within a marriage. If he tried everything possible and you two mutually agreed there's nothing else to try and then seek a divorce that's one thing. Being unhappy and having an affair is another.
If you made it clear that you won't accept cheating and you have proof he's cheating then for now it seems you're doing the right thing by following the DB book and planning for your life without him. I wish you wouldn't have to do this. I really appreciate your support to me and I hope I can be here for you during this difficult time. Just like me you were successful in saving your marriage the first time. You want to save your marriage a second time and that shows your commitment and willingness to honor your vows. You're a good person. I admire you and you have only my sympathy in dealing with a lying cheating husband and this bad situation you find yourself in.
NR ---
Thank you for the most uplifting post. It was kind and more generous that it should have been. I know I will need to come back and re-read it several more times. Right now I think the reality it a bitter pill I have yet to swallow.
I sound like a wonderful person and I suppose I have the ability to be a wonderful person but truth is I haven't been as wonderful to my H as I should have been (and perhaps vice versa --- I suppose we just fed off one another at times. His exhaustion causing him to bark at me, then causing my withdraw or often times barking back. My barking back just validated his continued barking. I should have been the one to back off and know its sleep deprivation talking. If I had stepped back and stopped repeating his behavior and modeled calm loving behavior he would have eventually started to mirror my better behavior.)
I DB him before... I got sloppy in things that brought him back to me. I gained some weight back and when I would say it bothered me --- he would say then do something about it. That would have me dig in my heals and not do something. Perhaps if he had validated me, "I can see its be really wearing how you feel about yourself, what can I do to help" I would have buckled down my efforts to get back in my exercise routine OR even asked him to start walking with me. Instead I did nothing but let it continue to eat at me.
I think he is done at this point. He said himself he has been on empty for a long time and felt I wasn't listening to him. He clearly stated this time has more resolve to leave than in the past. He is convinced it only gets better for a couple of weeks and then it gets bad again. I understand why he feels that way but don't completely agree.
I promise to return and reread you message when my strength is a little better.
