This house-cleaning fever I have lately feels new and strange.
I had the kids for a full week, ending a week ago. I felt like my kitchen was disorganized, counters covered with random stuff, and the play area for the kids was a disaster. I had "inherited" so many toys from the home, so many of them stuffed away in IKEA drawers, not being used. And with a week straight with the kids, things were strewn everywhere.
In the past, I would not have much motivation to overhaul things. Maybe a minor clean-up here and there. But every night this week I have dedicated a solid 2-3 hours to my project. I'm running 5 boxes of donations out this morning.
It feels less like spring cleaning, and more like defining my new life. I hope this mindset sticks, I like it, but it's only been a few days.
I'm not really a minimalist, but I do lean towards the "stuff owns you" mindset. It is stressful to me to maintain "stuff", where to put it, etc. I like keeping life simpler, and prefer spending money on experiences (like taking my kids on a 2-night trip when I had them). It's daunting how much there is left to do. But it feels cathartic to make little changes towards defining how I want to live my life.
Amid all this newfound energy, I've "leveled up" my self-awareness. It's so easy on these 10 day stretches barely seeing the kids to sort of just trudge along. Spend a couple nights bingeing TV. Leave the house a mess. Live without purpose, or just focus on some future goal of custody or finances. Who cares if I stay up late tonight, I can sleep in tomorrow. That sort of thing.
This week I have more purpose. When I feel that tendency to loaf around a little bit, I'm kicking myself in the butt to move. I'm on top of my game at work. My house is a work in progress but I'm liking the direction. I have a lot more to do, and I'll break off little chunks. I don't feel manic, or like I'm just doing all this to distract myself from the stress of my sitch, although that is a side benefit no doubt.
There has been quite a bit of communication with W about various issues. I'm keeping things vague on the board for anonymity at this stage. Some of those communications are challenging for me, I feel a flood of certain emotions. It requires an attentiveness -- filter the message... "OK this one is safe to respond to, this other one I need to think about, etc." Or "don't answer this question, it is bait". Or "I feel this is wrong, but perhaps now is not the time to address it amid all the other issues swirling around" Yesterday there will probably 10 different things. It's a lot.
One other update for the week... I told my IC I'd like to refocus on deeper issues from my childhood. Often our sessions involve me rehashing the recent past, discussing anxiety and how to deal with it, and I end the session feeling no less anxious. I realized I was just spending an hour venting... which is not all that helpful with my type of anxiety. I felt good about this conversation, and setting some focus moving forward.
I also may try going to IC less frequently. I am using some of my work flexibility to attend these weekly sessions, and I want to make sure I leave my flexibility open for more time with my kids. It's a tricky balance, but I'd like to try it out.
