May, He says he can’t find a place. I legit found 2 places in his price range in the neighborhoods he’s looking in available April 1 in the time between him telling me and me posting on here. It’s a stalling tactic. I’m not dumb. He doesn’t know what he wants so he’s trying to buy 30-60 more days to see if he can figure it out. Let us not forgot the entire world knows WH is confused and has been but the love if my life just figured that out like a week ago. Me lamenting a few weeks ago that we had actually finally entered limbo. That was it. My limbo has existed since I found out about the EA and he refused to stop. His is brand new.
I told him he’s welcome to stay as long as he likes. He wants to go. I already told him what I want so I don’t know why he’d think I’d care if he wants to stay longer. He asked if I could say that with less crazy eyes and while wielding a knife, then laughed. I might have mentioned my family likes to ambush me while I cook.
He climbed in bed at 2am last and spooned me and slept there until the alarm went off. I still feel like he’s communicating with OW. So I don’t have my hopes on starting an R any time soon. But It’s literally like he woke up a week ago a saw me for the first time. Like me and our life was invisible. And now he sees it in full view for the first time in months and he’s panicking. It’s an interesting twist. I spent November and December and a good chunk of January in a full on panic. I’m just honestly grateful he’s moved from thinking this whole life was sh*t to acknowledged indecision. Even if it’s not that. Even if it’s just him slowing down the running I’m grateful. The running full force blindly into this new fantasy life really worried me for D15. Her mom still doesn’t have her life together. She’s still couch surfing even though she promised D15 there’d be an apartment by March 1. There isn’t.
I don’t know what’s coming next. And I’m going to do my best to not worry and just accept the gift of time he gave us. And our girls.
Not following your sitch closely, but if he is actively involved with OW, then: "I believe it is best if you move out sooner"
I appreciate the advice, I really do R2C, but I won’t be doing that any time soon. This hard lined stuff over an AP isn’t appropriate for me and my sitch. I have a15 yo D in my house that isn’t biologically mine that I refuse to treat like she’s a duffle bag he can tote with. Her stability, safety and well being are of my utmost concern. I will not push him out and risk what wayward spouse addled brain choice he may make dragging her along for the ride.
Ah the indecisions.....yeah let him deal with his ambivalence on his own timeline. Continuing moving forward with your life as you have. Hang in there!
H just asked if I’m ok with him pushing the move out date to May or June....
I am the queen of over-analysing but if I was going to over-analyse I would say any of these: -he’s having doubts about leaving but equally doubts about staying - just buying time until he understands himself a bit better -he’s giving you a message that he wants to stay but perhaps pride/ego is stopping him from admitting he’s been a jerk -he’s trying to find out where your head is at because he’s worried about you pulling the plug on him -he’s comfortable with the status quo, MO is a PITA and expensive, and why leave if he is getting some of his needs met at home
For sure he isn’t ready to go anywhere right now. And he definitely isn’t seeing you as his sister any more (which is great and I’m still sooo envious about that but very pleased for you!)
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
That's the plan! Thanks wooba. Living my life 'as if' isn't changing any time soon. Thank you
Originally Posted by Pommy99
I am the queen of over-analysing but if I was going to over-analyse I would say any of these: -he’s having doubts about leaving but equally doubts about staying - just buying time until he understands himself a bit better -he’s giving you a message that he wants to stay but perhaps pride/ego is stopping him from admitting he’s been a jerk -he’s trying to find out where your head is at because he’s worried about you pulling the plug on him -he’s comfortable with the status quo, MO is a PITA and expensive, and why leave if he is getting some of his needs met at home
For sure he isn’t ready to go anywhere right now. And he definitely isn’t seeing you as his sister any more (which is great and I’m still sooo envious about that but very pleased for you!)
I'm also constantly over analyzing and over thinking. So trust me I've gone through like 40 different scenarios, but I've decided to quit giving his ever changing process here that much emotional energy. I'm just accepting the gift of time because it's keeping our girls' lives status quo for a little longer, and I'm not worrying about what it all means. We are in limbo. We aren't moving in either direction any time soon. We've just slowed the time line here, and at this point that's all I really want, the least amount of disruption to my girls' lives as possible.
I'm just accepting the gift of time because it's keeping our girls' lives status quo for a little longer, and I'm not worrying about what it all means.
Good attitude, WF, as usual. I know there is great power in choosing what you will and will not spend your energy on. I'm getting there. Someone on my Instagram feed posted clips of their visit to a rage room, and I thought of you.
I've decided to quit giving his ever changing process here that much emotional energy. I'm just accepting the gift of time because it's keeping our girls' lives status quo for a little longer, and I'm not worrying about what it all means. We are in limbo. We aren't moving in either direction any time soon. We've just slowed the time line here, and at this point that's all I really want, the least amount of disruption to my girls' lives as possible.
Hey WF, I think you have this right on. Take it for what it is worth-- the gift of time-- try to keep your same detached mindset you are so amazing at.
FWIW, I do think with my H restarting physical intimacy was a game changer for him, together with me dropping the rope and him seeing me actively starting to work on the D scenario. I do think the shift in seeing you as a sexual being again makes a difference and is part of him questioning his choices. That being said, you also don't want to make it TOO easy on him-- you desire what you don't have and all that. All seems complicated but my recommendation would be continuing to give him space and GALing and focusing on you. Not saying to turn him down but maybe not being too available.
Also, so funny... my H also got the Chernow book for Christmas.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I appreciate the advice, I really do R2C, but I won’t be doing that any time soon. This hard lined stuff over an AP isn’t appropriate for me and my sitch. I have a15 yo D in my house that isn’t biologically mine that I refuse to treat like she’s a duffle bag he can tote with. Her stability, safety and well being are of my utmost concern. I will not push him out and risk what wayward spouse addled brain choice he may make dragging her along for the ride.
I completely understand. I have SD16 that I have raised for about 10 years. These sitch are complicated enough when we are dealing with bio children.
My problem is I can't keep everyone's details straight in my head, So I fall back on my core understanding of things that typically have worked better for others. I just see so many posters here letting the cheating spouse make all the decision. They "ignore" the bad behavior and there is no real natural consequences to the cheater.
Anyways, What is good for D15 is good for you. You do right for her. That is what I would do for SD16.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
