Continuing from my previous post...................................I only thought I knew what a WW was, but I didn't grasp the development. It was too easy to say these women were not God-fearing ladies, or they were unbelievers. Yes, sin is always the root, but how much does it help to give that answer to a spouse whose MR is falling apart, due to his wayward wife? How did she get this way? Will she change back to the old wife? What can he do?
Whenever a man has a WW who has moved out of the marital home, I would tell him to not trust anything she says, and only believe half of what his eyes actually see.
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I know why women date, to get their emotional fix in first, then physical, to put it lightly. Maybe, just maybe she is trying to get her self feeling better about herself after years of depression and uncertainty in our relationship.
I'm not disagreeing with what you are saying. I just want you to realize that if she's wayward, then more than likely, she's not going into this dating life the same person as you knew coming out of her first MR.
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When she showed me all of her EA stuff, even after I looked at one part of it, it wasnt what I expected an EA to be.. Very vanilla. No sex, no nothing from her. Very lady like. But, he was very much a predator to me as I saw what he was doing. He was catering to her feeling positive, from education to career success. He has the highest of educational degrees from one of the top colleges in the the US. He is very smart, and well spoken. He did cross the line a couple times, and she immediately shut him down. He did ask to meet up, but in another state, she shot him down.. If a woman was hitting on me like this, and I was in her state of mind, I would have been weak and went.. She didnt.. Maybe she is that .00001% woman, maybe not. But, until crap hits the fan, I will just wait and see what happens once separation paperwork is actually signed.
So, she immediately shut this guy down, whereas, she didn't stop the other inappropriate man? Whatever, let me spell out this way. More than likely, she is not going to show hot-nasty-sex-filled messages from OM to her faithful H. FWIW, my OM could have been described exactly the same as this man. As for your W immediately shutting him down? She either manipulated the messages she showed you, or she has no interest in pursuing further contact with him. B/c when she is turned on by what he is saying........she's not going to shut him down. There is one possibility, but it's a reach. If she is pretending she is this nice lady-like jewel that would slap a man's face if he ever said something inappropriately, then that could be her way of warming up. However, I come closer to believing she used it to fool you. After all, you saw one side of her......the real lady.....and should she discover she needs to ignite Plan B, it wouldn't help if you saw her true colors. Therefore, she's going to keep you from knowing the real guy who makes her hot, and show you the vanilla guy. I know, you are probably thinking that you've known her 30 yrs and I've never even met her. That's true, but if your W is wayward........I, pretty much, have her number.
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I do believe my wife. She is a straight shooter.
Currently, you can't afford to believe her. You are describing the wife she once was. I hope some day she'll change back to the woman you knew, but right now, she's not that gal. When I refer to her true colors or showing this new side of herself, I mean that she has changed. You say you know it, but yet, you still talk about her as if she was the same woman you met 30 yrs ago. This woman has had a change of heart/mind. The thing is, it is possible for her to come to her senses and start trying to work her way back to reality. The WW is wrapped up in a world of fantasy, and she doesn't want to deal with her old life, and old M any longer. That's what I want you to understand here. You have to realize she is not straight shooter. Not currently, anyway.
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I know she has a hardened heart, is not trusting her heart with me, angry and just doesnt want to trust anyone to the degree of how vulnerable she was when we married. Terrifies her, as she is fearful of a repeat. We have talked. Without counseling , it took years from her first marriage to accept someone in her life.
Why wouldn't she trust her own heart with you? These are things I see some H's say, and I think it is their way of trying to accept what's happened. What have you done to her that invokes such fear she couldn't allow herself to trust anyone? So, she had a rotten first M, and maybe a second M. She's terrified of a repeat........yet, she is anxious to start dating, and has had at least one EA (that you know about)......and she text messages other men.
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I think I have the trifecta of wives. WAS, MLC and Depressed..MIL stated she was/has been losing allot of weight, and is waking up every morning with the impending doom, and acutely aware of her life being screwed up( for over a year). She is at the age too for MLC..
A lot of newcomers try to diagnose their W with having WAW syndrome, MLC, depression, and blame anti-depressants or menopause. I'm not saying she doesn't have some of those issues, I'm just saying I don't think they are WAW, MLC, and WW all at the same time. I think you may be trying, like many other LBH's, to figure out what's wrong with her. From what others have told me, they had rather their W be anything except a WW. My response is that WW's can change their minds MUCH faster and go running back home quicker than a WAW or MLCW.
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I hope when I go through MLC people recognize it and get me through it..
So, you plan on having a MLC???? I hope you will be able to see it as a transition in life, and not a crisis.
Sandi, you have brought many things to like and perspective. I do truly appreciate it. One can only hope she will come back. I am very anxious for her to come back, but, allot has changed, and trust has been taken away. Here are some answers to your above statements. Sorry everything is so jumbled. Hopefully you can sift through it.
The EA happened after she moved out. Its an affair, I agree. She gravitated towards his words after discovery phase, about 2 years ago. He asked her to go on trips, to meet etc, but she chose not to..One of them was over seas, and I know she didnt go due to passport not being stamped. She told me she couldnt do it, because she knew it would end up being seuxual and she felt slimy, etc and just couldnt. She did entertain the lifestyle he protrayed to her, money, homes, travel etc. But when I confronted him, and he blocked her, unfriended her she saw that as a sign of what he really wanted, which was more than the EA she was having with him. She said the way he treated her after unfriending her, blocking her and refusing to text back after the incident was not a good thing in her eyes, like a red flag. Its what she says. Then, a couple months later, she showed me her phone, no number in her phone, no messages, no facebook, nothing. Thats all I have, I didnt ask or look for that at all. I saw it as a EA, and thats how I have been treating it. To the best of my experience. I have read extensively on EAs. I see them as what they are, a very serious affair for a woman. Not so much a man, as men are more physical needing, and this affair was her having a relationship with a man after she fired me as husband and left me. Her affair with this guy was pure chance, as he was referred to her by realtor in Boston to invest in properties in Charleston. The realtor works same company. They did VTC with brokers etc and after that, their relationship started. He started the discovery phase about her life, marriage etc and she let it flow... My wife was extremely faith filled, till our marriage fell apart, and she hasnt been faith filled for a while. She feels God did not help her marriage. Her opinion, her choice. If my wife was having a physical affair, i would have found out by now, as far as a WW is concerned. She has one medical condition and possibly another, which does make that harder to do. She can, and she is quite capable, but working 6 to 7 days a week to be independent and self sufficient financially takes allot out of her. Anythings possible though. She did leave me with the the youngest daughter and they live together. Yongest daughter and I are very close. She is the one that needs to realize she needs to come home and heal with me, I cant tell her that. I am in IC right now, even though only one session.. Travel makes it difficult. She has stated she wants IC, but, as of yet, I have no idea. I think she is telling me what I want to hear. My oldest daughter and I fought allot. No physical at all, except the time she hit me.. I didnt hit back. She was a rebel, and belittled her, and tried to control her as she was doing drugs, alcohol and things I didnt approve of. This was her 9th through 11th grade, and when she broke her jaw skateboarding, that all changed. But when I moved back to home from retiring she and I started to get along better. It took time, and after her child was born, that was our catalyst to really get along. People are very happy as to where we are now..
