Dropping the rope isn't letting go of hope. Dropping the rope is letting go of fear, expectations, and control. Hope exists outside of what our WS/WAS are doing. Hope is for us. Not them. Letting go of the fear frees us, not them. Letting go of the control and expectations frees both of us.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Patience, I am cultivating. Dig deeper for patience, time is your friend--these phrases bring me comfort. I have moments of giving up control and therefore fear, then feeling lighter, freer, but they come and go. I'm ready (impatient!) for this to be a permanent state of mind. No surprise, I'm also very type A! Do you find this has happened for you through conscious work, or mostly subconscious? BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME. Haha. May also mentioned it being a process beginning with acceptance. This all makes so much sense, and I think I make progress in understanding it logically, but I haven't fully internalized it. I think there is still part of my brain (or maybe it's the emotional part of me) that equates dropping the rope with giving up hope, even though I don't believe that is true.
So when I'm forced to talk about the affair, and I have to talk about myself, because to be honest most people are interested in WH's newest behaviors because he is like fireballing his way through the stages of an affair at this point, I tell people as terrible as this situation is, I'm glad it happened. My depression, my grief, the weird codependency circle my H and I were participating in, I had completely and totally lost myself. My GALing and 180s have made me find her again. And I really like her a lot. The other huge thing that this has done for me is challenge my most A type traits. This has been a HUGE exercise in patience and relinquishing control. I have very little patience. And for a multitude of reasons I like to be in control at all times. This mess, this craziness I'm in with my H, I have zero control over anything but me, and to the best of my ability barriers I could put between his crazy and our girls when he was deep in it. Any teeny bit of control I tried to take the alien would immediately snatch out from under me and say something horrible in the process. (I really do think WS's are just absolutely the worst version of themselves early on so you can be prepared for the roller coaster that's coming) One thing I am not is a slow learner. Letting go of the control was the only way to survive in the beginning. And with the control being relinquished patience came. I don't get to work on my time clock. If I did when I told him he was in an EA he would've stopped. Or when he realized he was. Or when he thought being with her in public all the time was a good idea and he was confronted by not only me but others wondering where his wife was. But we are working on the time clock of a person in emotional crisis, not at the level your H is but same thought process. I can't hope for an R ever if I want things on my time. And honestly I need to let the love of my life figure out his issues and how to deal with them on his own. I can't fix this for him. I have to end the codependency. He can only fix himself. So patience is both conscious and unconscious.
As far as your H's music. My WH started playing all these love songs when things started getting hot and heavy with OW I may or may not have unplugged the wifi and plugged it back in right quick. But I'm petty like that, and with an MLCer and an actually record player I don't know that I would recommend that level of petty for you. With your H though, if you think he's having an approachable day you might want to just stick your head in and say I love that song, and walk away. I think that falls well with in the guidelines of friendly neighbor. If you look like you don't care about the music he may be less of a rebellious teenager about it. Next, you can't have the expectation that he thinks or feels the way you do. Or they way he used to. Or that he functions on the levels of a healthy person. He doesn't. He thinks only of himself and right now probably what ever that music is bringing up. If it's too much you might want to think about noise cancelling head phones. Or long walks.....I live with 2 teenagers. You won't win a loud music argument with a teenager and you're currently working with a teenager.
