Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

I’m sorry you didn’t get the gig. Yeah, very part time wouldn’t have made much financial difference; still I do empathize with how it got you feeling down. (((cardinal)))

I also agree, directly competing with the H imposed soundtrack (ie cranking up the TV) is not a good idea. I found fighting fire with fire usually gets everyone burnt. Imagine this - you are carrying a bucket of gas and a bucket of water. You can pour either one on the burning situation.

Well done finding compassion within this. Nice and clear, logical, and empathic. H’s path is all about him, not you. It is about his escape from his torment; reliving a past time when he was emotional stunted and hopefully growing up from there.

How could he listen to this music and not mourn the way things were with us, not associate it with the love we had? That’s the question that bothers me always. It feels cold to me.

You said it well. You are were assuming his brain is your brain. Were assuming that he will tackle problems the way you do.

We view based upon our perceptions.

Of course I am struggling to process all of these strong, present feelings in my head, just like I’ve always done;

Be gentle with yourself. These are big strong feelings. And yet they will flit away. Answers do come at the most incredible times; times of quiet and almost not even considering the situation. Like finding more compassion while reading a book.

of course he is likely able to set any feelings aside and think only about things like what concert he will go to next and how to keep himself busy (and not thinking), like he has always done.

Be careful with this. Yes H is unable to face his emotions. But a person in crisis cannot set their feelings aside; their feelings are cranked to 11. They run from their feelings and pain. They need to run. They are driven to run. They feel too much when they slow from running. It is a horrible way to live.

How could he listen to this music and not mourn the way things were with us, not associate it with the love we had?

He has run from his emotions. Back in time. While he is at that place and time, he is really emotionally living there and then. Whatever and whenever his trauma(s) were, he needs to relive those moments. You were not around then. He was not married then. For that young hurting H, there is nothing to mourn, there is no “us”.

Now he does realize his life, you and him, love, marriage, etc. And with all he is struggling with, he cannot handle anymore so he ignores and buries his history and marriage. The no pressure advice speaks directly to this. If there is too much pressure he will run.

If he can, he slowly will face and grow from his trauma. This is a marathon not a sprint. You will need compassion and indifference to outlast his MLC.

You are doing well. Really well.

Continue to focus on you.

DnJ