1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[Pommy99]

What are your ground rules for a trial separation? Do you want that? Why are you inclined to treat S as an end to the M-- in your heart of hearts do you think it would stop him from going?

I don't know if I want a trial S - it's more limbo. Do I want more limbo? Should my mindset be that this is S with the expectation that it might end in D, to keep detaching, and see what happens? I *think* my ground rules would be no dating. If he's dating then he's not looking in towards the marriage, but rather that he's looking to see if he can make it on his own. To me a trial would be "let's take a step back and re-evaluate how we really feel about the M and if we want to make it work". From what he says, this is where his head is at too. The question is whether I believe him, or whether he is using trial S to soften the blow/have a safety net. He believes that he is too close to the problem, and that he wont know if he wants me or misses me until he's stepped away from it, and that maybe all it will take is the reality of me not being there to realise what he's losing, and what he wants.

I see S as an end to the M because it creates more distance - as if there wasn't enough already! I feel S - and not trial S - might help me draw a line under it.

I left my IC when she couldn't get on board with my goals, make sure you take some time to look back at recent past session and see if she has your interests in mind and not her own bias. I find it odd that your IC would hear what you want and what's going on in the home and interpret that as you need to let go because he already has. I'm not saying she's wrong. I think you do need to let go. But not why she stated. IMO you need to let go because you need to let go.

IC sees all my focus being on H, what H wants, never what I want. I think she is trying to challenge me with the thought that he doesn't want to be in the M, that he doesn't want to act like a H, and it's been going on for a year. That Pommy needs to identify what Pommy wants and take steps to get it. In this case, it's not coming from inside the marriage, so move on, work on myself and look towards achieving my goals without relying on him to be part of the plan. She is telling me to use the time of S to work on this, so, not so much closing the door on him and filing for D, but to work on me, without the expectation that he will come back.

I'm also going to piggy back on what May said here about being secure in just letting him physically leave.

I have been insecure about him leaving but I do know now that it needs to happen and I'm not so afraid. I've not spoken to him since he left Tues 6am (it's now Thursday luinchtime) and this hasn't bothered me so much, but he has sent me texts morning, noon and night. I haven't initiated any contact or texts - only replying to the ones he sent. And none of them are critical or logistical in nature - it's things like how's your day, did you have a nice time last night, it's snowing in the city, etc etc. This really frustrates me - I want him to stop this and I think it will be easier once he moves out - this will need to be a S boundary. I find it hard to let go when he's there every couple of hours with a text msg. I guess these are the "scraps of himself" that he keeps offering, and it's not good enough anymore