Before I go to sleep, I want to post that I think I’ve reined myself in a little bit. (It was helpful to vent here!) I just kept reading a book where I sat, first on the verge of crying and then mildly annoyed. I eventually thought of a few things that helped me find some compassion.
1. Maybe music is actually an escape from the situation for H, though it’s the opposite for me. In our relationship, it became very clear over time that our brains worked very differently: mine was constantly running through everything, processing even things I didn’t want to think about. H was always like, I don’t think about anything I don’t want to, I don’t worry, I don’t stress, etc. And I could say now (and have said since BD!) that this way of living/compartmentalizing clearly has its downsides, since H didn’t know how to process his own feelings or make them heard. But my way has downsides too (worrying about future I can’t control!). So it is totally likely we would have opposite responses to music in a time like this. For H, it could very well be an escape from his thoughts and feelings, a way to tune them out, not bring them to the surface.
2. Maybe all this music and concert-going is returning H to a time when he was younger, and it’s comforting because he was worry-free during that time; everything seemed simple and good. For me, thinking of the past this way is painful, because I associate it with our R, with happier times that throw this time into horrible relief, but for him, it could be another way of escaping the emotions he found himself tangled in as he got older.
How could he listen to this music and not mourn the way things were with us, not associate it with the love we had? That’s the question that bothers me always. It feels cold to me. But in asking it of him, I’m assuming his brain is my brain. I’m assuming he confronts feelings head on like I do because I’m incapable of ignoring mine. But this is not the way he operates. Of course I am struggling to process all of these strong, present feelings in my head, just like I’ve always done; of course he is likely able to set any feelings aside and think only about things like what concert he will go to next and how to keep himself busy (and not thinking), like he has always done.
As I was typing this, H just came by the bedroom to tell me he’s dog/house-sitting and will be gone more over the next several days, so... I should appreciate he let me know.
