Thank you all for the warm welcome. I know I need to write more background, give more details. I will do that. I have been reading four, five, six hours a day on here. Old posts, quotes, catching up on threads. Trying to absorb it all and steady myself. Trying to figure out the best course of action. I tried to write a few little goals for myself. I manage okay during the day because i have a busy life and two energetic wonderful kids. But at night I fall apart. I REALLY fall apart. I wrote down just a couple of goals for myself. 1- Wake and go to sleep, a whole day without tears. Go through the day with grace and dignity. Don't contact hubby at all. Don't fire off late night emails full of hurt and anger and bewilderment. 2. Act with as much kindness and compassion and love as you can possibly muster in these horrific circumstances. Hold in your head and heart an image of the man you fell in love with 26 years ago and try to send loving energy his way as much as possible. Release hurt and anger.
Just a few simple goals and I have not managed a single day in which I achieve them. I thought today I was on track. I did. And when the house goes silent and the little ones (they aren't so little) are in bed, I fall apart. And I did again today. I shot off the email "how can this be who you are? how you can detonate this nuclear bomb in our lives and just stand there like a deer in headlights? how can you be such a coward?" and my loving kindness was replaced with pure rage and disbelief and now I am curled up in a ball crying. So I only managed grace and dignity until about 8pm.
