Through The Storm III

[KristinG]

Yail - Bourbon bubble baths are the shiz! Definitely try it. You won't be disappointed. I haven't heard of "Lex" but i googled it and it sounds like it could be quite entertaining! I've heard of an app called "Her". I'm sure that either one would at least be something fun to meet new people. Good luck and happy hunting !

Ovr,

I get how "could be viewed as commitment" sounds wishy washy. Hence, I am trying not to put stock into anything until there is a concrete commitment. It's a daily process and I have to consistently remind myself. WW is definitely more firm in her statements about "us". She is clearly and directly stating that she has chosen our R and that she is working on a daily basis to get through the grief and loss of her AP before committing to me. This is also why she wants to wait with any intimacy. She has expressed that she is thankful that I am giving her the time and that it feels a lot like grief, but it is getting easier. She said some days are harder than others but she's pushing forward. She just wants to be able to move forward our lives.

The spectrum comment is deep man! I guess the spectrum could be any direction with many different qualities and the goal would be for us all to become a little more centered in our traits. Philosophical or not, thinking through it all (the journey, life, etc) helps to motivate and set goals to improve. I think it's one of the gifts of all this BS we're going through - learning to stop remaining complacent in our lives and consistently work on ourselves.

KG

[may22]

HI KG,

You sound like you're really holding up well through all of this... I'm really proud and happy for you.

She is clearly and directly stating that she has chosen our R and that she is working on a daily basis to get through the grief and loss of her AP before committing to me. This is also why she wants to wait with any intimacy. She has expressed that she is thankful that I am giving her the time and that it feels a lot like grief, but it is getting easier. She said some days are harder than others but she's pushing forward. She just wants to be able to move forward our lives.

From where I'm sitting, even though I know it doesn't feel good to you, it looks pretty good to me. Some of this is obviously familiar to me but she seems more balanced, more cognizant of how her behavior has affected you, more thoughtful about the process and has more self-knowledge about what this will all take than my H does.

And FWIW I think it is probably true. I have spent some time trying to put myself in the WS's shoes and I'm sure this piece-- the breakup, the grieving, the getting ready for the hard work of R with the LBS-- is incredibly difficult. Sometimes I think that because you and I have weird relationships with our WSs we are just seeing the process that might always play out at some level, but we have a front-row seat instead of it happening when they've moved out and we are NC until they come back asking to R. And/or, because we have kept those lines of communication open, it takes longer because they don't need to really feel and experience what it means to lose you-- they have to use their imaginations.

[KristinG]

Thanks May. I'm just trying to make sure that I'm not getting my hopes up yet. And I still have moments of fear. Fear that she will go right back to OW, fear that I'll try and heal from this and not be able to reconnect in the way that I want for a R, fear of resentment forming within either one of us. I'm sure you feel those same things. I don't want to let fear determine my life or any choices I make. So, for now, I just want to remain steady and calm. Things will work out the way they are supposed to work out. All I can control is my reaction to it all.

PS... it feels so good to have the support here throughout this whole process. This group has pulled me through some pretty dark spirals and I am so thankful to have found it. The articles, advice, and encouragement make the marathon a little less painful.

KG

[may22]

Thanks May. I'm just trying to make sure that I'm not getting my hopes up yet. And I still have moments of fear. Fear that she will go right back to OW, fear that I'll try and heal from this and not be able to reconnect in the way that I want for a R, fear of resentment forming within either one of us. I'm sure you feel those same things. I don't want to let fear determine my life or any choices I make. So, for now, I just want to remain steady and calm. Things will work out the way they are supposed to work out. All I can control is my reaction to it all.

Yes, I'm here with you 100% on all of the above. And agree that fear is not the right motivation for anything. (Unless you are actually running from an angry bear, then by all means... although you're not actually supposed to run from an angry bear, are you? counter-intuitive DB-like behaviors work for everything!!) I also have been reflecting more on the emotional hangovers, and think those are the times when the fears can start to creep in and you start jumping ahead to all the what-ifs that are far beyond your control. I keep going back to my DC asking me why I'm reading that divorce book. Do I want a divorce? No? Then stop reading that dang book. Stop worrying about all the things that may or may not come to pass. Try to be OK with the extreme discomfort of this moment that you're in right now-- in fact, that is enough without piling all the what-if worries for the future on top of it. Whenever you have a breather, just remember to be kind to yourself. You're going through a lot.

PS... it feels so good to have the support here throughout this whole process. This group has pulled me through some pretty dark spirals and I am so thankful to have found it. The articles, advice, and encouragement make the marathon a little less painful.

I can't agree enough. Both helping with the pain and also posters have talked me down off the ledge from doing dumb things. This detachment piece is so powerful now that I'm finally starting to feel it, and it isn't something you can just read about in a book. It is almost like you have to experience it through other's eyes (maybe at least for me) and I could never have done that without this group. Also, the truth to the feeling that DBing is for you, for healing yourself, and your WS might come along or not-- I feel like the DR book touches on that a bit, but maybe because people just picking up that book are so hungry for the solution to their problem as they've defined it (staying married) and it ends up coming off like a lucky side effect rather than the core meaning of DB. Whereas on these boards it feels so much more powerful like these are things you are doing for YOU, not to try to win back your wayward spouse.

[KristinG]

Today I put my wedding ring back on my finger. W asked me to wear it and said she wants to wear hers again. For the first time, she has successfully gone NC with AP for over a week and is telling me that they are done. She's just too tired to continue with the way things have been. She loves AP and me, but could never live in a world without me as her partner. She said that she wants AP to go and find the person that she is supposed to be with and that she doesn't feel like she is that person for her. I'm terrified, but also a nervous kind of excited that we might finally be able to begin to work on things. Short update, more will follow, but I wanted to celebrate a little with everyone here (if even in a small way). And yes, I know things could still crumble - and it shakes me to my core - but I'm feeling hopeful.

KG

[may22]

KG,

Sending love and crossed fingers and toes right back atcha. I know the right thing to do is to say be cautious, be careful... I really liked one thing that overrnbw mentioned on my thread about thinking with my head not my heart and wearing my seatbelt, and I think that is healthy and right... but, I'm also so, so glad for this moment of hope and possibility for you and W. (I also am noting that you have shifted from calling her WW to W. And seeing that ring on his/her finger, day in and day out... just is so powerful. )

She's just too tired to continue with the way things have been. She loves AP and me, but could never live in a world without me as her partner. She said that she wants AP to go and find the person that she is supposed to be with and that she doesn't feel like she is that person for her.

Wow, this just sounds so, so similar to my H... almost word for word his three "buckets" of reasons-- can't deal with the stress anymore, can't live in a world without me as best friend, and the last one being a reason for AP (mine because she wants a baby and he can't give her that, yours because your W can't be the right person for her). I know we aren't supposed to mindread, but I do feel that that last reason, a reason that doing this is also the right thing to do by the AP, whether the AP actually feels that way or not-- could be a powerful way to help your W/my H stick to the course this time around, because they're doing it not just for themselves and for us, but also in the best interests of the AP. And I also feel like your W is a lot further along in this whole process than my H as well, at least much more self-reflective and focused on YOU.

I'm super happy and excited and right at this very second am taking so much joy in this for you. I do think like everyone is saying on my thread to focus on the DB basics as you move into this next phase-- know that you'll probably continue to need to give her space to grieve, and of course you know that the pursuer/distancer dynamic is really strong for her, so being careful that at least for now your actions can't be interpreted as pursuing, etc. Excited to hear more when you have a chance to post.

Seatbelts, sister, for this next part of the ride!

[KristinG]

Journal,

I have spent the last two full weeks at W's house. I'm not sure if we're "piecing" yet, but we're definitely moving forward. She has ended things with AP and committed to a MR with me. No more "if we get back together" statements. She had gone NC for a week and then reached out to AP. Huge bummer but I'm trying to understand and not let it effect my PMA. She said they had a healthy convo about why things had to end and that she felt a need to "check in" to make sure AP was ok. It definitely hit a nerve with me because I really feel like it resets the timeline of healing - but I kept my composure for the most part. W is setting up a budget for us to buckle down on saving for a house and talking about the next steps of me moving in full time. For now, I'm staying with her each night but keeping my own apartment. Things feel really good and I'm so hopeful that we can find our way through this together. We had a brief R talk when she told me about the convo with AP. I felt myself getting heated so I tried to end it ASAP. The last thing we need is for me to lose control with my emotions and push her away. I have a right to feel the way I do, but I am still learning and working on expressing them in a healthy way. No more going emo-hulk and sob/screaming my pain. It isn't a pretty sight HA! I'm definitely proud of that growth.

I agree May - seatbelts are most certainly needed for this next part.

KG

[wayfarer]

Girl, the emo-hulk thing had me dying. She was at my house too A LOT in November, she must have a bunch of frequent flyer miles. I'm gonna sit over here and be proud of your growth too. And be cautiously optimistic for you

I also wanted to share that I broke DB rules and pulled a KG and went ahead and sent WH a link I had been sitting on. It was info about a local stand up comedy class. Before he imploded our lives he talked about finding one very often but never acted on it. I had a slow day at work a while back, and because I'm pathetic sometimes I thought of him and looked the class up. There also may have been a Mrs. Maisel spite thing happening where I was considering taking the class to piss him off. But I was feeling a little sweet since he climbed into bed with me last night, so I went for the communicating first thing. I got a super nice response, he was so excited and happy I shared it with him.

I hope things are still calm for you two. Thinking about you (((KristinG)))

[KristinG]

Hey WF! I'm glad you got a laugh out of my emo-hulk description. That is the most accurate way I can explain it. "Kristin SMASH"! Omg a small part of my soul wishes you would Mrs. Maisel the ever-loving snot out of him and be the funniest and most vivacious woman in that class (because you already ARE that woman). I'm really glad that you got a nice response and that you felt good sharing something with him. The trick to it is to make sure that you're only sharing things because you want to share them and not to get a reaction from him. Also, try to limit expectations on what you want. I know I haven't followed specific DB rules, but more made improvements in my life and interactions with everyone around me. I did not do much LRT or NC, but I feel like I have been true to my heart. As Sandi says "do what works". Listening, validation, giving up control and "dropping the rope". They work. Give up expectation and try to enjoy the things in life that are meant to be enjoyed. With spouse or without.

W and I are still doing well. Things are calm and she is being sweet and thoughtful. I got a little triggered last night (found our pup chewing on something from the affair). I closed up for a few and tried to just realign my thoughts. It passed and I moved on. I'm still trying to learn how to tell W when something like that happens. In the same regards, I'm thinking on how to talk to her about removing gifts and reminders about the AP from the house. It's not yet my house as well and I don't want to be controlling or pushy. We are communicating very well and I'm hoping that it will all get easier with time. I hope you're doing well and I'll try to jump on your thread in the next 24 hours.

KG

[may22]

Hi KG,

So glad to hear this. I posted on my own timeline about releasing guilt and anxiety about being happy in the moment for where you are... and I'm happy you're feeling good and hopeful, and I'm also feeling those same things on your behalf. You do have a right to feel angry about her behavior, but you also have a right to feel happy in the good parts too. Seatbelts still of course but take joy where you can, in your daily life and in the growth you've experienced and are still experiencing as you move forward.

On her contacting AP.. from all I've read (in books and here) it is really, really common (especially the justification that she needed to check in and make sure she was OK) and I don't think it means much except that this is really hard for your W right now and she slipped. Yes, she needs to stop the contact in order for you guys to move forward but she told you about it and you can only go forward from there. If you are open to it and think your W is too, one thing I might say to her is the W is not the appropriate person to check in on her right now. That isn't healthy for her. She needs to lean on her other support systems in order to heal. For your W to check back in on her didn't just reset your W's clock, but it did the same for AP... she'll never be able to heal without separation from your W, and it isn't kind of your W to assuage her own guilt by reaching out and making it honestly more difficult for AP to move on. Maybe framing it that way might help your W? As hard as this is, there is no reason to make it harder for AP too? I say this because one of your W's reasons for ending it with AP is that she doesn't think W could be the right person for AP in the long run IIRC, and so reasons framed around being the right thing to do by AP could help stiffen W's resolve here.

Where are the dogs staying?

xx M