In regards to the file, I can understand other Ws write out some feelings. I'd love to post the whole thing to get your take. Here is a portion and why I'm wondering if I need to leave: "I F hate you and your mother F personality. Youre a Mother F stupid piece of S who is insecure, selfish and doesnt know himself, me and is clueless as to what a marriage is. I F hate you and the way you talk, the stupid way you walk". This continues on. As this was saved on a PC, I could see when it was edited which was 3 weeks ago. The worst things i ever said about W are probably on this board. No where near as intense and hurtful.
If she hates me this much, how long until a false abuse claim? How long till the kids are affected by the vibe? D4 seems affected, she no longer comes to me for anything. Maybe a phase or because im barely home anymore, still, this is getting bad under the surface. This file is way more intense than the ones I found around D day. She seems worse, not better after my DBing.
Maybe she wrote that after a particularly rough interaction with you. Maybe that was what she was feeling at that moment. I've heard spouses say to each other "uh, I hate you right now. I can't even look at you!" But that doesn't mean they really hated their spouse, it was the anger speaking at the moment they said it. I think to base your entire next move on this file is short-sighted. Hasn't she given you letters and cards over the years telling you how much she loves you and wants you in her life? Why is this file more legitimate than all those other expressions.
See, I think you are looking for a way out of limbo, and want to use this file as your excuse. "She hates me now, no since in trying anymore." Remember, this decision, whether to give it more time or whether to pull the plug, has the possibility of being a decision you have to live with......FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I've had Rs where I grew tired of waiting for it to move forward, and pulled the plug. One in particular I still look back and wonder what might have been if I had just given it more time. It is a terrible thing to have to live with, knowing you weren't patient enough.
Your goal should be to move on with no regrets. That you can look your kids in the face and say "I did EVERYTHING I could. I exhausted all my options, to try to fix it. I gave it ample time and it did not change." Likely your kids will question it if it is < a year. More than a year and you might have some sympathy from them. But your goal should be to leave with a clean conscience.
Personally, I think you need to give it more time. I was going to give my WAW a year before I pulled the plug. It is always in your right to say "I've had enough, I am out." But living with that decision is something you'll have to deal with.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
