I would love a little advice on something that just came up this morning, but first let me circle back to fear, control, detachment...
Originally Posted by PLC
Looks like you had a nice weekend. Good.
You know what? I did. If I just focus on the present moment, I totally did.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Rationalize and logically uncouple your fear. You presently live a more or less roommate life. You’re still here. You’re doing great. Life is good.
Let go your past. Live the here and now. Embrace and look towards your unknown future. Your future, not H’s, not your’s and H’s - your future.
I know I can do this, because I do find myself living in the present much more than I used to, able to appreciate the sun, a book I'm reading, a cake I baked, all of that and more. I think I spend too much energy being frustrated with myself when I spiral away from that in-the-present thinking and get caught up in all the feelings that elemental fear brings with it (only memories of H, no future H, all that). I will try to observe the fear when it feels overwhelming, uncouple it, but not dwell in it or on it. That is something I can control, even if it takes practice.
And, Wayfarer, posting this from IronWill's thread as a reminder to me too (I know DnJ has said as much also!):
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Dropping the rope isn't letting go of hope. Dropping the rope is letting go of fear, expectations, and control. Hope exists outside of what our WS/WAS are doing. Hope is for us. Not them. Letting go of the fear frees us, not them. Letting go of the control and expectations frees both of us.
Patience, I am cultivating. Dig deeper for patience, time is your friend--these phrases bring me comfort. I have moments of giving up control and therefore fear, then feeling lighter, freer, but they come and go. I'm ready (impatient!) for this to be a permanent state of mind. No surprise, I'm also very type A! Do you find this has happened for you through conscious work, or mostly subconscious? BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME. Haha. May also mentioned it being a process beginning with acceptance. This all makes so much sense, and I think I make progress in understanding it logically, but I haven't fully internalized it. I think there is still part of my brain (or maybe it's the emotional part of me) that equates dropping the rope with giving up hope, even though I don't believe that is true.
Actually, all advice on that process is always welcome, but I would also appreciate advice on something else this morning. Our longtime landlord emailed our joint email account (not really sure how often H still checks it, though it used to be on his phone) to say she's raising our rent a bit, and that we can keep going as we have been, month to month, or she's happy to send over a year lease at any point—up to us. The rent increase is the first in a long time and still a good price, though it does make me anxious, as it just means it will be that much more challenging to take on all the expenses on my own, should it come to that. I've mostly accepted that is out of my control—I'm applying for better jobs, and that is all I can do at the moment.
My plan is to not say anything to H about the email, because I assume he will read it at some point, or notice the small rent increase when it happens in a couple of months. Based on his action or lack of action the last several months, I don't think he will say anything and will be content to just stick with our month-to-month lease, as it allows him to not commit to anything and not to think about the future. He seems more comfortable with just living in the present and, as far as I can tell, has no specific ideas of what his life will or will not look like in the future, because he doesn't want to think about that. I know he wouldn't have an objection to the rent increase either. Does this approach make sense?
