On the topic of unconditional love...you can stay or leave a marriage and still love that person. I certainly have conditions to remain in the M however I believe I will always have love for the inner being that is my W. At this point though I dont know who the real her is...the woman that seduced me, the one who appeared at good times, bad times or the woman in between. I think the insecure, desiring and sharing love person is her but I dont know. I dont know which person is real and who is the mask. Its unreal.
Your wife is all those things. Like a normal human person. You have to stop. You're the one who put her on a pedestal so high she had no where to go but to tumble down. She certainly didn't put her self there. LBS have to take blame where we have blame. The pedestal thing is a common one. Your wife is good, bad, sweet, sick, soft, hard. All of it. That's how people work. She is human the way you are human. She's just not the best version of herself right now. And it's your right to not want to live with that. It's your right to not want to stay married to that. You get to draw your own line in the sand here. You however need to slow down and stop demonizing the mother of your children. She might be a crap person. She may very well be mentally ill. She may very well be the devil incarnate. I don't know. I don't know this woman. But you have to raise kids with her for a very, very long time, and the more you allow yourself to fall into this rabbit hole of being some kind of victim of hers and turning her into some kind of sadist the worse your are making things for yourself regardless of outcome. If you manage to some how get to an R you now have to over come your own guilt about turning her into something she's not to serve your need to help you rationalize her behavior. If you D and you keep going like this I guarantee your wife will take everything she's written in that file and make sure everyone in your universe including her lawyer and your judge hears all of it. The whole point of this DBing stuff is to stay above all of this. Not to stoop down to that level. You have to get out of crisis mode.
Originally Posted by Core
You guys have convinced me to give it more time but it seems impossibly hard. I still question if D is better for the kids.
What's best for the kids is what will make their parents stable and happy. Diving head long into a D when you can't even get your emotions in check enough is not that.
Originally Posted by Core
In regards to the file, I can understand other Ws write out some feelings. I'd love to post the whole thing to get your take. Here is a portion and why I'm wondering if I need to leave: "I F hate you and your mother F personality. Youre a Mother F stupid piece of S who is insecure, selfish and doesnt know himself, me and is clueless as to what a marriage is. I F hate you and the way you talk, the stupid way you walk". This continues on. As this was saved on a PC, I could see when it was edited which was 3 weeks ago. The worst things i ever said about W are probably on this board. No where near as intense and hurtful.
Oh then you probably wouldn't like the notes on my phone the time my WH disappeared for 14 hours. Or the first night he didn't come home. Or the day each one of our girls came to me to tell me they knew about OW. Or 2 years before all of this the texts I sent to my best friend when he chose to go to an event without me when I couldn't get off work for it even though I skipped it the year before because he couldn't go. And you really wouldn't have wanted to hear the things I said the night he tried to go xmas shopping with OW at the local mall when I went into a complete rage and was not aware of DBing yet. I can tell you in that instance I said waaayyy worse things than your W and seriously considered doing very damaging illegal things to both his car and hers in the mall parking lot. People are entitled to unkind thoughts and feelings. People are also entitled to some privacy, and while I know things are messy, and I'm not exactly morally opposed to LBS's doing a little snooping, you have to realize reading literally all of that file was essentially sitting down and reading her diary. You are not sans fault here, Core.
I've seen a lot of other newbies around us doing this same thing where they have these expectations of the WS/WAS living by the exact same moral codes, ethics and relationship rules as they have. #1 that's impossible to have an exact match in a healthy relationship with two healthy people. #2 that's an insane expectation of a spouse in a wayward/MLC/walk away emotional crisis; they are not operating even on their own standard set of those codes much less yours.
Also "edited 3 weeks ago" just means opened. If she opened it and saved it exactly as is, that's considered edited. Also 3 weeks ago my WH was still having date nights with his OW. He's not any more. 3 weeks is more than enough time for feelings to change. Especially with a WS/WAS. You're putting a lot of emotional stock in a diary entry from at least 3 weeks ago if not longer.
Originally Posted by Core
If she hates me this much, how long until a false abuse claim? How long till the kids are affected by the vibe? D4 seems affected, she no longer comes to me for anything. Maybe a phase or because im barely home anymore, still, this is getting bad under the surface. This file is way more intense than the ones I found around D day. She seems worse, not better after my DBing.
Why are you going 5 steps ahead here? You have no idea if there's going to be a false claim or not. And these things are investigated. DV is super messy and complicated and it's not just investigated by the police but it's also then investigated by the DAs office before they are willing to prosecute, and if that's such a fear of yours I strongly suggest you sitting down with an attorney.
The kids are already affected here. Just because really little ones can't articulate it doesn't mean they don't get the social cues that are happening around them. But I highly doubt the 4 yo is avoiding you because of that. That might be a little projection and that isn't fair to your W or your child. Maybe it's something else entirely like you not being home much. Thankfully though your kids are very little and therefore very resilient and will bounce back easily regardless of outcome here. You can't protect them from this by staying together or getting a D. They're in the middle of this mess and will be riding along with you two for the duration.
If this is a phase like you say why do you care? If you're working on your detaching you should be moving on from this by now, right? Not getting swept up in the roller coaster...isn't that the goal?
Last and most importantly I need you to think about this carefully. If you are so convinced that your W is a mentally ill vindictive evil disaster of a human why are you "barely home anymore" while she's there with kids who have no protective capacities? GALing isn't meant to be at the expense of the well being of your kids. So either you don't think she's as dangerous as you are saying, you are constantly taking your kids with you, or you are making really poor parenting choices by leaving small children with an unstable volatile person? Am I missing information here? Because what you're presenting that's what this looks like.
